A New Law

I think I mostly live out of guilt. I feel like I'm not doing enough so I feel guilty. I feel like I should be calling more people or praying more or being more in my community. Isn't it true that there is always more people you could talk to or serve, more money you could give, more things you really could say yes to? There seems to be this constant struggle going on inside my head and my heart. A battle actually; I feel like I constantly am dealing with how I feel about myself-the internal battle and voices that are fighting for my heart I think are driving me insane...

There is this tendency it seems, throughout the whole human race, towards controlling absolutely everything in our lives by way of formulas or boxes or theories. What I mean is we seem to strive for the 7 keys to a successful and happy life, 3 ways to live within the will of God, or the 5 purposes by which to model our lives. I don't think all these things are wrong-they're just tendencies; and I actually find some hope in these tendencies in that maybe I'm not the only one struggling with the thoughts that I should be doing more or being more.

This is how it all relates: I am constantly seeking a formula with which to put to rest the guilt I feel. Like maybe if I live more holy, or if I call more people, or possibly work more hours so that I couldn't possibly be looked down upon for slacking within my job. Formulas. I could surround myself with people that constantly affirmed me and told me I was doing enough. I could learn all the practices to being more transformational and charismatic so lots of people would be drawn to me. Then for sure I'd feel less guilt and would have conquered my little internal struggle.

I think along with the guilt, and maybe this is what feeds it, I feel like everyone around me is disapproving of me and the job I do as a youth pastor. I believe lies in my head that people think I'm not doing enough, and that feeds the guilt. Which actually, by the way, doesn't even motivate me to do more, it more so paralyzes me so that I don't do anything and that which I do do is done out of obligation rather than passion and love.

This is my ongoing internal struggle.

And I'm really tired.

The Israelites struggled with this same problem of living out of formulas. First of all, God gave them a lot of really long books that were filled with laws regarding the way they were to interact with him and each other. Sacrifices of blood were required for sin, first fruits for worship. Men were unclean if they had a wet dream, or women if they had their period. Everything had a specific and detailed way to interact in relationship-only one person, once a year was allowed behind a curtain that led to a room where the glory of God dwelt. These practices seem like formulas to me. And God set them up, so they for sure served a purpose. What I mean by formulas is that 2+2=4 in the same way that a certain sacrifice + a specific sin = forgiveness. Relating to God really was kind of kept in a box, done a certain way.

Then Jesus came to earth. The Son of God, straight from His Heavenly Kingdom and throne, into our world; His world, but our home. And Jesus was a little strange in our perspective. I mean, God had required, even started this whole relationship of formulas, and Jesus came and, to the Pharisees, seemed to almost throw them all out the window. He called God His 'daddy,' and referred to Him in intimate and what must have seemed irreverant ways. Jesus performed miracles on the Sabbath; the Pharisees had defined that as work, and the Sabbath had been created for rest... no work was allowed.

Jesus said He had come to bring us life, to establish a 'New Law.' Gone was the Old Law with its rules and regulations. This new law was one defined by love. No longer was God keeping us at arms length, allowing just one man in His presence once a year. In fact, when Jesus was hanging on the cross and gave up His last breath, the curtain in the temple separating the temple courts from the Holy of Holies was ripped, torn in two, from the top to the bottom. No man could have torn the curtain in this way. God was tearing down the separation, replacing the old law with a new law.

Paul writes in Hebrews that we are now able and encouraged to, "approach the throne of Grace with confidence," and in other places says that His Holy Spirit in our hearts cries out, "Abba, Father," literally translated into "Daddy!" What once was a formulaic way of relating to God had become a very intimate relationship.

I guess what I'm seeing in all the world, but especially so in my life, is that we have either forgotten or never learned that the old law has been done away with and that a new law has taken its place. We still try to relate to God in formulas, even though He's longing for us to approach Him as a child would approach his dad. When I sin, I feel I must deserve some long-endured and drawn out punishment, so I mope about and feign sadness and remorse for far too long. I constantly believe the lie that I must earn my place in God's family, so I strive to do more or be more 'for the kingdom,' and work myself into a frenzie trying to bring myself up to par. I believe that God's approval comes at a price, and so I constantly look over my shoulder to see if I am measuring up. For certain, God's approval did come at a price, but that price was wrapped up in Jesus who bore my sin on His cross and put it to death. Then He conquered death and removed that price as far away as the earth is from the heavens.

There are no more formulas, no equations, no controls to put into place before I please God or enter into relationship with Him. Just love. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death........

And that's it, the entire story. No condemnation. No credence to the guilt that I feel. It must be a lie from satan, that continued enemy of God and of God's children, trying to tempt me into obligation and out of passion and love, attempting to paralyze me in fear so that I might not live and walk by faith. Jesus, by your blood-your life and death on the cross and your resurrection, set me free from the tyranny and lies of the evil one. Help me to believe Your Truth. To walk in Your Freedom. Help me to live set free from the old law of sin and death, and to be made new, alive and walking according to the New Law-the law of the Spirit of Life.

Honestly,

Gosh, this is hard. It isn't often that I come to a place of more depth, darkness, rawness and honesty in my self; a place where You help to expose with Your light, the sin and humanness that is at my core. It isn't pleasent. I'm not sure why You choose to show it to me. And I'm not sure sometimes what to do with the insight, but it sure is uncomfortable.

Sunday Jim (pastor Higgs) spoke about a passion to seek out 'the lost.' Our church is going through a lot of change right now, and being on staff, I'm confronted with the opportunity or at the very least, the responsibility, to have a hand in helping change happen within this organization. The funny thing is, I've been praying for this change and supporting this change since the first day I arrived here.

That's where this darkness is coming in. As Jim was talking on Sunday, I realized almost a fear in me of the change actually happening. I think all along I've thought that no change would be a way to refrain from committment or investment in this place. I wonder if I have a fear of some kinds of intimacy, but that is a conversation for another time. I guess what I'm saying is this: now that it appears this culture could change, I'm not completely sure I want to be a part of it.

It isn't that I don't want the church to succeed or be something more in the Kingdom than it is now, its more that I'm realizing, because of the light You shed on my heart, a lack of passion and concern and love at the core of my heart. Uggh. When I get completely honest and vulnerable, I mean really down right raw and ugly, I have to say that I don't feel a real investment or concern for people and community...

Like the youth culture. I am a 'youth pastor.' Now listen well; I love ver much the kids I know and hang out with. I love them and my friendships with them and I long for their heart to grow in intimacy and love for Jesus. And I believe there is a crisis in the youth culture today. But ultimately, when I stand naked and exposed before my King, I have to admit that I'm okay with that crisis and don't feel personally burdened to do anything about it. And its the same thing within my church. I think the culture needs to change, and as long as I'm hired to work there, I'll have my hand in the process; I'll be faithful to my job. But I guess I'm realizing with sadness, that unlike Pastor Jim Higgs, I have to say before my God that I do not have a heart or a passion for 'the lost.' I know that sounds horrible. It probably is. But I'm just being exposed and honest and ugly.

I'm not sure where to go with that, or what to do, or what even to say next. I have a desire to have a passion for the lost. I want a heart like Christ. I can say that much. Peter Hiett, the pastor at Lookout Mtn. Church in Colorado, used to say before communion each week, "this is Jesus' blood and body, spilled and broken for you. So if you want Jesus, come to the table." As I sat in church on Sunday and prepared my heart for communion, I guess that was the one thing I could say.

I want you Jesus.

I'm realizing a new depth to my carnal nature. My selfishness knows no bounds. Honestly, I can say there is nothing separating me from the 'worst' of sinners in all the world, in all of history. But the love of You my Savior knows no bounds either. You left one world for this, a place of light, to enter darkness. And You love me. You want me.

Derek Webb sings a song called "I Repent." On his House Show record, he takes the opportunity to share, and one thing he says is something like this: "the best thing that could happen to any of us is for all of our sins to be shown up on big screens, shown for all to see. I really believe that. If right now all my sins were brought out into the light and laid bare...." Confession. To me there is something terrifying about all of my deep, dark sins being brought out into the light, having others see the things I think and say and do. But now I'm beginning to believe and agree with what Derek said as true. To be stripped bare and have everything exposed, with nothing left to hide.

I guess this season is my confession. Like I said before, it isn't often that I'm exposed quite like this, that I clearly see just how deep and dark my heart is. Jesus, I need Your mercy. "Hessed" mercy. Your love, Your forgiveness, Mercy.

I'm not sure what more to say, what to do or where to go from here. I'm a man who speaks spiritually and has all the right things to say. I speak in ways that make me look good to others. But it isn't true. Certainly not without Your Spirit, and even then I'm wondering what good I truly long for.

Finally here is the kicker. All the above said, what if truly what I'm speaking of is a loss of my 'self,' a loss of finding satisfaction in the things I do or succeed in or pursue after. But my fruit should show whose I am. And I see fruit sometimes, and not so much at other times. And maybe all this is because I'm human, and definitely some of it is because of the depth of my depravit, which certainly cannot be argued with. So here I am. Honestly.