Honestly,

Gosh, this is hard. It isn't often that I come to a place of more depth, darkness, rawness and honesty in my self; a place where You help to expose with Your light, the sin and humanness that is at my core. It isn't pleasent. I'm not sure why You choose to show it to me. And I'm not sure sometimes what to do with the insight, but it sure is uncomfortable.

Sunday Jim (pastor Higgs) spoke about a passion to seek out 'the lost.' Our church is going through a lot of change right now, and being on staff, I'm confronted with the opportunity or at the very least, the responsibility, to have a hand in helping change happen within this organization. The funny thing is, I've been praying for this change and supporting this change since the first day I arrived here.

That's where this darkness is coming in. As Jim was talking on Sunday, I realized almost a fear in me of the change actually happening. I think all along I've thought that no change would be a way to refrain from committment or investment in this place. I wonder if I have a fear of some kinds of intimacy, but that is a conversation for another time. I guess what I'm saying is this: now that it appears this culture could change, I'm not completely sure I want to be a part of it.

It isn't that I don't want the church to succeed or be something more in the Kingdom than it is now, its more that I'm realizing, because of the light You shed on my heart, a lack of passion and concern and love at the core of my heart. Uggh. When I get completely honest and vulnerable, I mean really down right raw and ugly, I have to say that I don't feel a real investment or concern for people and community...

Like the youth culture. I am a 'youth pastor.' Now listen well; I love ver much the kids I know and hang out with. I love them and my friendships with them and I long for their heart to grow in intimacy and love for Jesus. And I believe there is a crisis in the youth culture today. But ultimately, when I stand naked and exposed before my King, I have to admit that I'm okay with that crisis and don't feel personally burdened to do anything about it. And its the same thing within my church. I think the culture needs to change, and as long as I'm hired to work there, I'll have my hand in the process; I'll be faithful to my job. But I guess I'm realizing with sadness, that unlike Pastor Jim Higgs, I have to say before my God that I do not have a heart or a passion for 'the lost.' I know that sounds horrible. It probably is. But I'm just being exposed and honest and ugly.

I'm not sure where to go with that, or what to do, or what even to say next. I have a desire to have a passion for the lost. I want a heart like Christ. I can say that much. Peter Hiett, the pastor at Lookout Mtn. Church in Colorado, used to say before communion each week, "this is Jesus' blood and body, spilled and broken for you. So if you want Jesus, come to the table." As I sat in church on Sunday and prepared my heart for communion, I guess that was the one thing I could say.

I want you Jesus.

I'm realizing a new depth to my carnal nature. My selfishness knows no bounds. Honestly, I can say there is nothing separating me from the 'worst' of sinners in all the world, in all of history. But the love of You my Savior knows no bounds either. You left one world for this, a place of light, to enter darkness. And You love me. You want me.

Derek Webb sings a song called "I Repent." On his House Show record, he takes the opportunity to share, and one thing he says is something like this: "the best thing that could happen to any of us is for all of our sins to be shown up on big screens, shown for all to see. I really believe that. If right now all my sins were brought out into the light and laid bare...." Confession. To me there is something terrifying about all of my deep, dark sins being brought out into the light, having others see the things I think and say and do. But now I'm beginning to believe and agree with what Derek said as true. To be stripped bare and have everything exposed, with nothing left to hide.

I guess this season is my confession. Like I said before, it isn't often that I'm exposed quite like this, that I clearly see just how deep and dark my heart is. Jesus, I need Your mercy. "Hessed" mercy. Your love, Your forgiveness, Mercy.

I'm not sure what more to say, what to do or where to go from here. I'm a man who speaks spiritually and has all the right things to say. I speak in ways that make me look good to others. But it isn't true. Certainly not without Your Spirit, and even then I'm wondering what good I truly long for.

Finally here is the kicker. All the above said, what if truly what I'm speaking of is a loss of my 'self,' a loss of finding satisfaction in the things I do or succeed in or pursue after. But my fruit should show whose I am. And I see fruit sometimes, and not so much at other times. And maybe all this is because I'm human, and definitely some of it is because of the depth of my depravit, which certainly cannot be argued with. So here I am. Honestly.