Stillness of Heart

Be Still and Know that I Am God.
Psalm 46

Stillness. Man, that isn't something this world seems to come by naturally. Maybe in some cultures, but certainly not our western, commercially-driven, consumer society. No, rather, our world-all cultures really, the human heart; we all seem to be driven by noise. I think noise is the opposite of stillness. Noise shows up in an awful lot of ways: anxious thoughts, busy schedules, music and commercials and other background sounds continuously playing and vying for attention, even words-empty, meaningless words that quickly seek to fill awkward moments of silence when it does arrive.

Noise is our natural bent. And yet the writer in Psalm 46 speaks the very Words of God, "Be still, and know that I Am God." Be still. Stillness of heart, I have to say, is the very internal struggle that I have continued to fight for most of my life. What I write, even when I participate in meaningless conversation, pursuits that I passionately devote myself to, all stem from this inner struggle of finding stillness, of learning to be still. Stillness in my heart. And I believe that that is what God is asking from us throughout His written Word (and spoken through the life of Jesus). Physical stillness is an outword expression that can beget a life of inner stillness... stillness of heart.

When I think of stillness or contemplation I immediately think of the story in the Bible where Jesus goes to visit His very good friends, sisters Mary and Martha. Martha is expecting company and so is very busy bustling around the kitchen in an effort to make sure everything is just right. Mary sits at Jesus' feet and listens to Him as He teaches, possibly shares a story or two from the day; but mainly she's just sitting-being-in stillness. This is not the place for the typical conversation that comes up, discussing the need and differences and benefits between the "active" and the "contemplative" life. It just is amuzing to me how hard it is for us to ever sit and be still. And especially if that stillness is an effort to know that He is God.

This truly is the core of what I've been struggling with over the past few months. In some ways, working in a church makes for an even tougher struggle in being still, I think because the opportunity to 'do' is around constantly, and frankly, people expect some type of 'do' and get a little frustrated when there is not a 'do' that is producing in an efficient manner. Stillness does not provide effiency it seems. I'm reading this great book entitled "Contemplative Youth Ministry" by Mark Yaconelli, and he borrows some awesome quotes that have sparked some of my thinking. Maybe this will further explain my previous idea of effiency and what I am desperately longing for in a lifestyle:

Religion is not our concern; it is God's concern. The sooner we stop thinking we are the energetic operators of religion and discover that God is at work... so much the sooner do we discover that our task is to call people to be still and know, listen, hearken in quiet invitation to the subtle promptings of the Divine. Our task is to encourage others first to let go, to cease striving, to give over this fevered effort of the self-sufficient religionist trying to please an external deity. I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock," but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of effort to do something for God that they don't hear Him asking that He might do something through them.
-Thomas Kelly, A Testament of Devotion

I am currently in Colorado, my home, for the Christmas season. My wife and I were very much looking forward to spending a few days at home with my parents, but the funny thing is how you always plan vacation time in a way that gets you back to your routine so you don't miss too many beats. Well, unlike many winters of drout that Colorado has had, this year God delivered snow. A lot of snow. We were supposed to fly out of DIA this evening, but because of road conditions and many cancelled flights, there was just no way of heading home. We changed our flight for the Monday following this weekend. We've been snowed in for two days. Two more days to go. I thought tonight I was beginning to go a little stir crazy, but then something happened-I lost desire to read, I lost my desire to watch tv-even sleep. I just laid on my bed, looking around my old room that I grew up in, and simply got lost in thought. But not just daydreaming. I mean, I was very aware of an inner stillness that was taking place in me.

I was aware of something else too. Sadness. Sorrow. Its almost as if the closer my heart got to truly being still (and knowing that He is God) the more sorrow set in. Now the idea of sorrow sounds bleak and distasteful initially. And I must admit my first thought was to pick up a magazine or grab a computer and do some emailing. But instead I just sat there. The sorrow didn't necessarily subside, but it wasn't unpleasant. I don't know really how to describe it-I was just there, with this kind of sad feeling, but with a very real sense of joy at the same time. And so this is what I'm wondering; maybe stillness of heart comes by way of sorrow, or a kind of suffering. And even more, maybe that is why we are creatures of busyness and noise-the idea of sorrow and suffering is repulsive.

But sorrow and suffering are of most importance and vitality to our lives. Hinds feet in High Places is an amazing book by Hannah Hunard. It is an allegorical story about a girl, Much Afraid, who after much encouragement decides to journey to the High Places. She is given two companions to act as guides for her, and there names are Sorrow and Suffering. They are not pleasant companions at the beginning of Much Afraid's journey, but by the end she cannot imagine traveling without their welcome company.

I believe that Hunard found out a secret truth-one however that Christ lived in all His years-that we cannot truly live and love without embracing sorrow and suffering. And I'm thinking that we can't embrace them if we aren't willing to slow down, to be still, to hurt, to know.... Remember? Relationship and suffering go hand in hand. If we want to love people and give to them, we are going to have to experience sorrow. It is out of sorrow and suffering and silence and stillness that we can love. Because we cannot love if we don't know God. The apostle John tells us that. And God asks us to be still and know Him. Sorrow, stillness, silence, suffering, love.

The more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words will be useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the Light of Christ increase the darkness.
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Maybe the knee-jerk reaction then is to turn away from love and from others. Or maybe the more typical response is to simply 'try harder' in our efforts to love by spending more time doing and not being. I mean, we run in an economy of effiency, right? Who has time for sorrow and suffering and silence and stillness? We've got work to do. But do not run. I think God is saying that to us now, "Do not run my child. Be still. Embrace the sorrow for there you will find Me. Trust Me, sit with Me, be with Me. And then you will know My love and you will be My love to others. Be still and know that I Am God.

"Henri Nouwen in his book, The Inner Voice of Love, writes,

You will discover that the more love you can take in and hold on to, the less fearful you will become. You will speak more simply, more directly, and more freely about what is important to you, without fear of other people's reactions. You will also use fewer words, trusting that you communicate your true self even when you do not speak much. The more you come to know yourself-spirit, mind, and body-as truly loved, the freer you will be to proclaim the good news. That is the freedom of the children of God.

And so it is. Do not fear, do not run. Have faith, trust your Father as a child and cling to Him in stillness and wonder and silence. He carries our sorrows and suffering and changes them into love; love that He longs to live through us to the world around us. It is anti-culture, opposite of our society, but it is what our world most needs-Jesus-stillness of heart. Amen.

"Rick" - i see the world upside down-

I have this friend named Rick. Maybe not so much as a friend as much as I might consider him a mentor. But he would call me friend, and so I'm honored to call him my friend. I met Rick about three years ago. I was a month from getting married; I'd moved to St. Paul, Minnesota to start a new job and a new graduate school, and a new life with a girl.

This job was a pretty sweet gig. Really what I wanted was to finish up a masters degree I had started three year earlier at Washington State. But I'd dropped out because I really hated the classroom, always knowing though, that I'd like to finish up some day. So finally, the right time had come because I needed to be responsible in order to provide for my new wife, and I was thinking that a masters degree could really be a step in the right direction. Plus I was kindof interested in what I'd be studying.

Now graduate school is very expensive. Unless you are planning on ordering a degree online from some fake institution, in which case it isn't really that costly, although really it is because you are paying someone simply for the honor of them giving you a piece of paper. Which really stinks... actually what most stinks is that even though I kinda worked for my degree, there were tons of times I felt I was just giving my money to a school to produce a piece of paper that said I'd accomplished a degree. It was just a lot more expensive piece of paper than you might get from a fake online institution.

Anyways, I was attending the University of St. Thomas, a small Catholic school in St. Paul. (I know, tons of St.s' but that's how they do things out in the midwest.) I couldn't afford the degree in a million years, but this is where the really cool job gig comes in. Schools will hire people, graduate degree seeking people, to live in their residence halls (dorms to the lay person) and in return pay for their housing their food, and sometimes all of any degree they are pursuing. In my case they weren't paying for all of it, but a big enough chunk that really made the whole thing worth it. So for a couple thousand dollars, and two years of selling my soul to living with alcohol loving college students and waking up at 2:30 in the morning for fire alarms (we had 23 my first year) I got, in return, a real, semi-worked for masters degree. What an awesome deal.

And this is where Rick comes into play. I had an apartment building that I was in charge of. Eight floors, all upperclass students, a lot of parties and noise and fun and students and, as I already aluded to, fire alarms. (That's just what happens when college students start cooking for themselves for the first time in their lives...)

Rick was a janitor in Morrison Hall. A janitor. Now, I'll admit; I was pursuing a masters degree. A degree that would give me status and reputation and authority and knowledge, and by the way, hopefully more money! Janitors weren't necessarily the people I most wanted or needed to rub shoulders with at that time. Or so common human, worldly logic might tell you. But Rick was different.

For starters, Rick was tall and slender, slightly balding and he had this killer beard. He was old too, at least 65. I mean, I know for sure he was old enough to be retired, I found out later he just hated sitting around and he wanted to keep working. His hair was kind of turning grey, but still had some of this reddish tint to it, so I always thougth he was probably Mennonite. Or Quaker. I guess he is just what I always thought a Mennonite or a Quaker would look like. Kind of like an Amish person, but maybe dressed in colors-a little more 'hip' if you will.

Rick had the personality I would expect of a Mennonite too. He was real quiet; he almost mumbled when we would talk, and I had to really concentrate on listening to understand everything he said. Within our very first conversation, something drew me to Rick. I wanted to talk to him more, I wanted to listen, very carefully, more, and I really wanted to know if he'd clean my bathroom until I got married.

Seriously, after the first conversation I had with him, this is what I thought to myself: "self, this guy seems very sincere, and has this air of love and simplicity and of contemplation. I must get to know this Mennonite-type man better." And so I did. And with every conversation I became more and more aware of his deep, intimate love for Jesus Christ, his concern for every student that had ever lived on any of the floors that he cleaned, and his simple spirit that really just sought to be the best, most God-honoring janitor the University of St. Thomas had ever seen. And I believe he is.

Well, you can imagine that my attitude towards janitors changed rather quickly. In fact, most days I found myself envying Rick and the other janitors in my hall, Thomas and Marcos; mainly because of the simplicity of their jobs, and the fact they didn't have to kiss that many people's butts throughout each day. Their jobs were probably quite political in some sense, but not in the sense I dealt with; spending hours on phone calls and emails in an attempt to appease an angry parent or child because they got busted for smoking pot and really, with their money, there was no logical reason in their eyes that they should ever get in trouble for anything... In any case, I envied those guys. Most of all Rick because he had a really good attitude. All the time.

It wasn't until late into my first year at St. Thomas that I learned something about Rick that reminded me of the Truth (that is Jesus) more than anything else in my life. We were talking one day and Rick, without any pretensiousness or pride, mentioned he was writing/editing a text book for a friend. Yeah, and on some crazy topic like physics or chemistry or medical stuff. I really can't remember, but I do remember being awed that this 65 year old, very quiet janitor was writing a text book on a really smart subject. Even if you are just editing, you have to know something about the topic I would assume, so I started figuring that Rick was a pretty smart fellow. A couple days later I found out the rest of what makes Rick being a janitor so intriguing. This guy has a Doctorate in something like English or Chemistry or both! Its amazing. Here I am trying to sound important in my pursuit of a masters degree, and a janitor in my building is a Doctor! I was blown away. And this is what Rick said: "Greg, I just realized I wanted out of the rat-race. Its like I was running on this treadmill and I just got sick of it and I wanted to get off. So I quit and became a janitor." And if that isn't some kind of simplicity, some kind of carelessness for what the world thinks and hold in esteem, than I don't know what is.

Rick's heart to know Christ blew far and away his desire for reputation and knowledge and money. The Bible says that "knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." So true. All of Rick's knowledge never touched my heart at all; but his love, man, I walked away from every conversation with that man encouraged and inspired and desperately wanting to know Christ more deeply.

Derek Webb has a song entitled, "what is not love." And the first few lines go like this:

What seems like failure is success/and what looks like poverty is riches
when what is true looks more like a knife/it looks like you're killing me but you're saving my life

And is it not true? The things we revere and hold up in this world are just not what is important in the Kingdom of God. In fact, Jesus, when He was living on this earth gave a sermon in which He spoke about the difference between what the world honors and what God honors:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Matthew 5:3-10 (NIV)

If that's not seeing the world upside down, than what is? Poor in spirit? We, or I should say I, tend to honor those rich in spirit; the rich and the educated are voted into office, those who graduate from seminary are esteemed as true pastors, the charismatic are given positions of leadership. Seriously, if someone is poor in spirit we really don't give them a second look. I think that Bill, the homeless guy I met outside of Safeway the other day, sitting in the cold, begging, I see him as poor in spirit. Or maybe Corina and Steve, owners of a car repair center down the block from my house, who once were in full-time missions and then church planting, then gave it all up to be close to family and opened their own humble car repair shop. They seem to me to be poor in spirit. Rick the janitor is poor in spirit. But what abundance of love has been given to him because Jesus loves him. I think these people have and will continue to receive the kingdom of Heaven.

And blessed are those who mourn? Are you kidding me? We try everything possible to protect ourselves from having to mourn. We put on wrinkle cream and get botox injections to remain looking young, we look for revenge as soon as we've been wronged, we remain closed off and disconnected from others so we don't have to mourn losing their friendship one day down the road. Jesus in this sermon has it all wrong, He's seeing things backwards. How can this really be what He believes?

If you think that these few verses are just a snipet of Jesus' life taken out of context, spend some time reading through the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the Bible. It doesn't matter what version you read, the Message, NIV, New King James... they all will communicate the same ideas, and all of Jesus' life affirms and supports these ideas. Jesus saw our world through a different lens-one completely opposite of everything we know.

One book I believe you must read is Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What." In the book, Miller draws out this idea of seeing the world upside down, how Jesus had everything backwards from us. He wasn't competitive, He didn't seek out reputation or monetary gain or even positional power. He avoided the lime light to a large extent, even telling people He had healed not to tell anyone about who He was (the Son of Man, the Messaiah, the Savior). Jesus didn't follow the same rules that we live out by nature. We seek to save our selves, He sought to give Himself up as a sacrifice for us. Jesus loves us.

It is so hard in this world, probably especially here in America, to see the world the way Jesus did. We're surrounded by comfort; extreme comfort. We have television and technology and really cool and expensive toys to entertain us. We are bombarded with a message that tells us that our reputation and our looks and how much money we have, that those are the things that define us and that really matter. We find pride in positions of leadership and power, we hold tightly to our degrees and training. And so when this Jesus guy tells us that it is blessed to be merciful or to be poor in spirit or to be persecuted, well, that just goes against everything that we've been raised up to live for. His voice drives us nuts, probably because we sense some kind of long lost truth in His words that we used to know, and so we are faced with a dillema. Either ignore Him but continue hearing, or respond. Often I'll admit, I want to choose the option that we chose when Jesus walked on the earth-to kill Him. Silence His voice. But that's the thing. Jesus broke the hold that death had on Him. He was raised back to life. He lives even now. And so we still hear His voice.

Our other option is to respond-to begin attempting to see the world the way Jesus sees it; upside down. Or right side up. Either way, we desperately need His perspective. Its hard and it goes against our nature, but it is the way of love. It is the right way.

Just look at my friend Rick. That man left everything the world had offered him to "make himself a somebody." And he just walked away. He could have stayed, and I believe he could have stayed and loved Jesus just as well. He probably faces just as much temptation to live for his self as he would have in his other life, but he chose to walk away from what the world holds dear. I suppose the issue isn't really whether one walks away or not; if you truly see the world upside down, you have the freedom in your heart to walk away. You have the freedom to let go of always getting your way. You have the freedom to walk in the path of love.

How do we learn to see the world upside down? Well, that is a topic for another day. But it is so vitally improtant because it is a challenge. I succumb to the world over and over, and am rarely reminded of the truth. I believe it starts however, with getting to know those who have everything backwards from us, those who do see the world upside down. I started with a janitor named Rick. Look around and be observant, because there is someone around you, nearby, who perfectly fits the bill. Every once in a while I run across the path of another backwards thinker-Corina and Steve, Bill the homeless guy, Donald Miller... Jesus. Get to know Jesus and you can't go wrong.

Remember, blessed are the poor in spirit-theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are the least of these, because of such as these is the Kingdom built. Now go, and see the world backwards.

what looks like failure is success/and what looks like poverty is riches/when what is true looks more like a knife/it looks like you're killing me but you're saving my life

chorus: but i give myself to what looks like love/and i sell myself for what feels like love/and i pay to get what is not love/and all just because i see things upside down

what looks like weakness can do anything/and what looks like foolishness is understanding/when what is powerful has not come to fight/it looks like you're going to war/but you lay down your life/chorus/

what looks like torture is a time to rejoice/what sounds like thunder is a comforting voice/when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed/and i say i don't know you but you say its finished/when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed/and i say i don't know you but you say its finished

(Derek Webb "what is not love" from the album: i see things upside down)

Too Many Words

Ahhh.... we talk so much don't we? I mean humans. We have so much to say; every thought or opinion, judgement, hurt, accomplishment. There seems to be some incessant need within us to say just about everything that comes to our minds. It gets tiresome, doesn't it?
Sometimes, I just have to withdraw-its like I get exhausted of hearing all the things I have to say, which most of the time carry nothing of meaning or importance; which is fine I suppose, except that most of those words usually are either defending my point of view, or knocking someone else down, or attempting to make me look really cool. And that gets tiresome I guess.

To be frank, I get pretty sick of listening to all the empty words that others have to say too. Its like I want to scream and pull out my hair, or at least get in a car and drive for about three days listening to nothing except the hum of the pavement rolling by under the rubber on the tires. That's a good sound. It seems to carry meaning, for sure more meaning than roughly 90% of anything I think we have to say.

Richard Foster in his fantastic book, "Celebration of Discipline" writes this: (yes, more words, but fantastic nonetheless)

The tongue is our most powerful weapon of manipulation. A frantic stream of words flows from us because we are in a constant process of adjusting our public image. We fear so deeply what we think other people see in us that we talk in order to straighten out their understanding. If I have done some wrong thing (or even some right thing that I think you may misunderstand) and discover that you know about it, I will be very tempted to help you understand my action! Silence is one of the deepest Disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification.

This pretty well sums up what I feel about words. And still, I fall victim to the very thing that exhausts me and drives me nuts. I too scramble to justify my every action or thought, am quick to express the reasons why to my thoughts so as to portray myself in the best possible light. I have even noticed lately that I am manipulative enough to share weaknesses with others in a way that seeks to win their approval. How deep is this reservoir of need and fear and disorder within me?!

One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes feel so helpless. We are so accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others. If we are silent, who will take control? God will take control, but we will never let Him take control until we trust Him. Silence is intamately related to trust.... One of the fruits of silence is the freedom to let God be our justifier. We don't need to straighten other out....
Catherine de Haeck Doherty writes, "All in me is silent and . . . I am immersed in the silence of God". It is in solitude that we come to experience the "silence of God" and so receive the inner silence that is the craving of our hearts.
(Foster, Celebration of Discipline)

I believe that silence truly is the craving of our hearts. It certainly is becoming more and more the craving of mine. God please, give me the discipline to hold my tounge. I'm tired of self-justification, of straightening others out. And help me to be grace-filled in listening to others words; grace-filled, yet firm as well. May others never feel they need to manipulate me or justify themselves to me or prove themselves to me. What a fear we live with and battle against.

Peter Hiett, the pastor at Lookout Mountain Community Church in Evergreen, Colorado has many times spoken about The Word. John 1:1 in the Bible reads, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.... And the Word became flesh and has dwelt among us..."
I remember one specific summer evening service when Peter spoke about the Word, and that He truly has said all that is necessary to be spoken. Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and He has spoken into all eternity all that ever needs to be spoken. Love and forgivness and glory and honor and truth. We were encouraged to speak Jesus to others. And that makes so much sense to me really. I just struggle at doing it. But I mean, if I really spent my life focusing on speaking Jesus to others, I would never waste words trying to justify or build up or protect myself. I suppose my words wouldn't look so much like what we think of as words, you know, meaningless noises and grunts and unintelligible sounds, but my words would look more like Jesus. My words would be love. Be hope. Be truth and grace. My words would bring forgiveness and honor and glory. My words would be Jesus. I suppose I wouldn't even have to speak. I could just love and I would be speaking Jesus, except without sound. But all meaning.

And that is the ongoing struggle. Me, (my self, flesh, pride) vs. God (love, Jesus). The ongoing battle will always be to sacrifice my self to God, give my self to Him for His use and for His glory instead of seeking my own. Thanks be to God above that He has already redeemed me, place His Spirit within me, already set me free for all eternity. Thank you Jesus that the battle has already been won. Now I just need You to continue growing me...

Its true. Words are overrated. I want to be done speaking. I want to be done justifying, protecting, arguing, owning. I want to speak, or rather live, Jesus Christ-His forgiveness, His love, His grace, His truth. He is love, He is forgiveness, He is truth and He is grace.

I'm done with too many words. There's too much of me. There needs to be more of Him. May it be so.

This Past Fall

Well, I think its been about three months since I last updated my blog on happenings in Beth's and my life; so I guess its about time. I really hadn't thought much had happened, but today I found a file on my computer of pictures that Beth had taken over the past three months, and thought I should probably post some of these and along with them, provide some sort of explanation. So here goes:

October:
Really the only news of note is to tell you of our Halloween, which is practically November, but nonetheless... Chris, Beth and I went to our friends Halloween party as the "cheap imitation version of the Three Amigos." (see below) We had a lot of fun, especially 'cause we went with John and Heidi, our other two friends in Anacortes, and they dressed up as "Grease; gone 1990's." A good evening, and one in which I learned that I really, really like Starbucks Liquor!


November:
November turned out to be a very fun and filled month! The week of Thanksgiving really is where most of my long lasting memories will come from. We started the week by heading to Leavenworth with John and Heidi to spend three very relaxing days in a cabin that some Young Life supporters own. It was so good to be in the mountains, near a river, play in the snow, and eat really, really good food. (john and beth did all the cooking!) We spent our one full day there walking around this small Bavarian town, drank lots of coffee, and then spent the evenings hanging out, watching movies, playing games and drinking this tasty concoction of white zinfandel and 7up... yummy!



Beth and I spent Thanksgiving day at our roommates' parent's house. Chris's girlfriend was in town and we had a lot of fun and ate a ton of food. And watched a lot of football. The perfect Thanksgiving. The next night John and Heide, Chris and Janie and Beth and I headed into downtown Seattle to watch the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony put on by Macy's or some big, rich store like that. That evening is still one of my highlights from the past few months.



Now we're headed into the Christmas season which will include a trip home to Colorado. Its been a fun and fast fall, and I actually am looking forward to updating my life on this blog thing sometime in the spring. (Though the frequency of my writings may not back up that claim.) Oh well. Peace.

Relationship and Suffering

"I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

This is what Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians. Suffering. This is an idea I'm not sure that we can ever fully grasp, at least here in America. I'm sure I cannot fully grasp it, but I know that we do suffer, all of us in some way or another, and I know that I have suffered too. But sharing in sufferings? That seems rather sadistic....

Suffering has a way of identifying us. I'm not sure I can really explain what I'm thinking here, but like Paul wrote, sharing in Christ's suffering would identify Paul more closely with Jesus. Or maybe not identify, but pull Paul into closer intimacy with Jesus. Like communion. Sharing Christ's suffering, partaking with Him His body and blood-the bread and wine are symbols of His life spilled out for us.

I had a thought this morning during our church service. Communion is a symbolic act we partake in to be identified with Christ; to remember Him in His suffering which was for our redemption. This act though seems to me to be almost disgraced or maybe even raped if we share in communion without a true, intimate relationship with Jesus. We're taking part in a remembrance of His suffering, but having nothing to do with His suffering. That doesn't make much sense to me. I guess really this is what I'm beginning to think: relationship is the key to suffering. I'm wondering if suffering and relationship can't exist without one another.

It is possible that at this point we need to come up with a definition for these two words. So let me paint a picture. Relationship. Relationship that is healthy and true requires committment. It requires hard times and good times; seasons of life. Communication, forgiveness, offense; a true relationship consists of these things, and other thoughts as well, I'm sure.
Suffering. Suffering is like that deep anguish felt at the heart level. Where hope is lost, sobbing can't even express the emotion, there are no words, no actions, no thoughts that can explain, heal or comfort. Having a flat tire on a highway and needing to be towed is not suffering. Not in my world anyway. Losing the biggest, most important game of the year would not fit under this definition. No, I'm thinking suffering consists of things like death, losing a loved one, being betrayed by a close and trusted friend, watching a nation die from a deadly disease or a wicked political figure, homelessness, forsakeness, loneliness, being abandoned or divorced. Those ideas capture suffering in my mind. Torture too.

And this is why I think suffering and relationship are inseperable. To truly be in relationship, you are committing to loving and walking with another through whatever life may bring them. Like marriage, but not limited to that act. If you abandon your friends during hard times, then you are not a friend. If you walk away during suffering of another then you do not love. Even as I write this I'm wondering how awful I am and have been to people that I have observed in the middle of suffering. Do I love those in the midst of AIDS crises around the world? Or maybe I'm most responsible for the suffering of those I am in relationship with.

I Corinthians speaks of love: love is not boastful or proud, it does not keep a record of wrong, it doesn't envy; it considers others better than itself, it always protects, always seeks to heal, always trusts, always hopes. Gosh, love sticks with another no matter what a season of life may bring. Love is faithful.

When we are in relationship with others is it possible that it is in suffering that we are identified with that person? Could it be that when our friend suffers, we grow closer to them and become one with them when we choose to suffer with them? We share in their suffering. Meaning, we take on their suffering as our own. Not to make light of what others go through, or to think that we could ever fully understand or feel the weight of what another is going through, but we choose to be with them, to hold their hand, to suffer with them.

The friends that are my closest are the ones that suffered with me during hard times, and I in turn have suffered with them in the midst of horrible suffering. We have shared in our sufferings, and have in a way become one with one another. We are identified with each other. We have loved each other and are in relationship with one another.

My wife, my best friend Joel and my other best friend Jay, man, we have some deep intimacy in our friendships because of some shared suffering. Relationship.

And so we remember Christ's suffering through communion. To remember His suffering without sharing in His suffering... its like we'd be disgracing what He did, like claiming relationship with Him but not having been identified with Him by suffering with Him. I wonder if that is why Paul said he wanted "to share in the sufferings of Christ..."? He was in relationship with Jesus and was willing to walk through any season, any circumstance that that relationship might bring with it.

I am not proposing that we go looking for suffering. Rather, I believe that the natural way of life and relationship is that eventually suffering will come. The question becomes then, what will we do with the suffering we are given? Will we avoid it and avoid sharing it; walking away from true relationship, or will we embrace it, hold hands and press on through it, knowing that it will bring out in us an identity with Christ, and intimacy that could never be realized without it. It'd be like having a marriage but never having a fight, or never crying together. It is ridiculous to think about. The very thought of marriage brings with it the expectation of suffering with another; holding each other at the death of a parent, or supporting the other in the midst of a job loss. That is the kind of committment and love that is required of relationship.

Relationship and Suffering go hand in hand. My prayer is that I will continue to long for relationship, and gladly accept and endure the suffering that goes along with it. Both with others and with Christ. Sharing in His sufferings so to become like Him in His death, so somehow, to attain to the resurrection, the joy that comes with endurance and intimacy....

Random thoughts I know, but may God our Father by His Spirit in us keep our hearts soft and humble before Him that we may remain moldable and loving in His hands.