My Oshkosh Community

Unlearning

so here is what is blowing my mind away: Jesus loves me. He's crazy about me. We talk about it a lot, we agree with it, we say it tons, we even sing it. But I don't believe it. Not usually anyways, because I guess today I'd have to say I do believe it. I really believe, with all my heart, that Jesus loves me. I cannot express to you the freedom and relief and joy that brings to my heart. Usually I live out of guilt and fear and greed, but really believing deep down that Jesus loves me is setting me free....

I have recently been feeling that the season of life I am in right now is one of 'unlearning.' Unlearning everything I thought I knew and believed about the Christian life. Unlearning the habits and behaviors that I often put my hope in or find myself relying on to subside the voices of guilt and fear in my heart and in my head. Unlearning. Unlearning church. Why is it that we all sit in pews or uncomfortable seats and face forward? Why is it that we all pay attention to one person like a lecture or being in a classroom? It certainly isn't 'holier' than any other style. But yet somehow, I think if we really thought about it, we'd feel like we were doing something wrong if we changed how we do church.

I feel like I'm unlearning the religious habits that I have too. Like having a set quiet time at 8am every morning. Or using some devotional, or reading through the Bible in a year. I want to unlearn how I pray, and what I think of as proper and better prayer as opposed to simply being honest in conversation with God.

I want to unlearn because I'm so tired of sitting in groups of holy people and all of us trying to sound so smart and educated and spiritual about who God is and what He is like. I'm weary of theological conversation that attempts to justify or control our behavior. To put boundaries on our lives, or burdens on our shoulders-again, probably to make us feel like we're actually doing something for our salvation.

And here is why I am unlearning. I was reading Philippians a few days ago. Okay, now we've all read this and heard this before maybe, but let go of what you know, let go of what you think, let go of your history and your habits and really here what Paul is saying here. This hit me in a whole new way:

Watch out for those dogs, those wicked men and their evil deeds, those mutilators who say you must be circumcised to be saved. For we who worship God in the Spirit are the only ones who are truly circumcised. We put no confidence in human effort. Instead, we boast about what Christ Jesus has done for us.
Yet I could have confidence in myself if anyone could. If others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more! For I was circumcised when I was eight days old, having been born into a pure-blooded Jewish family that is a branch of the tribe of Benjamin. So I am a real Jew if there ever was one! What's more, I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. And zealous? Yes, in fact, I harshly persecuted the church. And I obeyed the Jewish law so carefully that I was never accused of any fault.
I once thought all these things were so very important, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. As a result, I can really know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I can learn what it means to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that, somehow, I can experience the resurrection from the dead!
(Phil. 3:2-11, NLT)

We are to put NO confidence in our flesh, in what we can do in our relationship with Jesus. Instead, the full responsibility of our salvation, of our life with Christ, is on Jesus alone; and His responsibility was seen through the end when He died for us and came back to life. The Bible says that Jesus died once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring us into relationship with God.

What would it look like to unlearn? I guess in some ways it would seem that one would become more like a child. A child is what Jesus said we needed to become if we would inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Simplistic, faith-filled, trusting, innocent... You know, when I think of it, as a child I just trusted that I was loved. My only responsibility was to love back. Children don't have lists of stuff to follow or complete or do; that's the joy of being a child. They just exist, are loved, and often just simply love in return. Is it possible that that is all Jesus had in mind for us when He told us to become like little children? I'm beginning to think so.

But I live in this world of responsibility and performance and duty. As a Christian, I feel like I am supposed to evangelize more. I need to be more disciplined. I have to be involved in 'ministry' if I truly want to be that next level Christian. I'm supposed to be involved and active in a church, 'cause that's just the healthy, important thing for me to do. Uggh. Can I just say I'm tired of all that. To me, it is all beginning to feel like religious burdens. It feels like guilt and comparison and frankly, psychotic behavior. Jesus says that my job is to love. That feels like freedom. So I want to unlearn all that I know in this life of what it means to be a Christian, and I want to be free to know love; to know that I am loved by God my Father, and that I am free to love Him back, and to love my neighbors.

I really don't know what all this stuff I'm writing about even looks like. What does it look like to just be loved and to love? What sets me apart as a Christian if I'm not crazily running around trying to save others or be more disciplined? I guess I'd have to say that right now I'm not sure. But I know that I'm tired of feeling guilty. And I know that everything I read about Jesus seems to communicate freedom to me, not guilt.

My wife and I have recently moved to Oshkosh, Wisconsin in order to plop ourselves right down in the middle of community. What I mean by that is that we have friends and family here that we were longing to share life with. What I mean by sharing life is that we want the kind of relationships with these people where we cry with them when they hurt. To be the people they call if they need us to watch their kids so they can get away for an afternoon. We wanted to share meals with these people and give our money and our time and our stuff to people in our community that have need. And actually, to receive these things from our friends when we are in need.

So that's what we are doing, and its been really cool because it seems that God has been working in all these other people's hearts and leading them to this place where they want the same things we do. So every week we get together and share dinner and talk and laugh and tell dirty jokes and then after dinner and the dishes are clean, and after the little kids have kinda fallen asleep, we take turns sharing the things that are on our hearts... hurts or thoughts, or things we're confused about. And then we just pray for each other. And its really cool because when I think of Jesus' words in Matthew that His final command is for us to love one another and that when we do that, the whole world will know we are His disciples because we're loving one another, this kind of community is what I picture.

This community that we are sharing in is actually quite scary for me. Mainly because most nights we get together, right before we head over to our friend's house, I find myself really not wanting to go. I either feel too tired or grumpy or feeling like I just want to be alone. Its also scary because these people are getting the chance to see me. I mean the real me. Not the me that I would be at church, you know, like saying all the right things, and using cool Christian words like 'quiet time' and 'evangelising' and 'God spoke to me this weekend' or 'I just feel like God has put this calling on my life.' And I'm not trying to offend anyone that talks like that, and to be honest, I sometimes talk like that, but in my relationships with people I don't talk like that. And so these people in my community here see the me that doesn't talk like that. Instead they hear me say that I'm really angry and somebody, or see the non-verbal reaction I have when someone says something I think is stupid. And that is scary.

Its scary because they might choose to judge me, or make fun of me, or ask me not to be a part of their community. And then I remember that really, that's only been my experience within the walls of what I think of when I say the word church. In real life we get mad at each other and we say stupid things that hurt feelings, and it is all really okay, because that's when we really have the opportunity to learn how to respond in love to each other. And that is really what Beth and I were saying we were longing for when we talked about intentional community a year ago.

This idea of sharing life with our friends and family is new to me. I'm just learning as I go, and really we all are. We've never done anything like this and so we are infants. And I guess that means that I'm not really unlearning, I'm just learning. But so often our learning is completely marred by what we've already learned in the past. I guess that is why I want to unlearn. I don't want my previous learning to affect what I should be learning now, mainly because this is all so new and I know a lot of people that would say it isn't all that Christian at all because we aren't a part of a church (proper) and we don't sing, and we talk dirty before we pray. But I don't care. I'm loved by God, I'm loved by these people, and we are pushing one another toward loving Him and others more, so I'm convinced we are right where Jesus wants us to be. And the best part? The best part is that He is in our midst every time we gather together. When we break our bread and drink out of our cups, we are truly doing it while remembering Jesus. And I think that is cool.