Thoughts From G

the One Word: Jesus

2008-09-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

It is commonly known in the Christian world that the Bible is referred to as "the word of God." And so its become a phrase we throw around to add meaning or seriousness to a request or in describing how we've spent our morning: "well, you need to do this or that-I mean, the Bible says so, and it is the word of God." or "I was just spending a few minutes in the word."

I love John 1. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So God is the Word, and is with the Word, and the Word is beginning to sound like some kind of entity or life, some thing more than what I might call a word in my every day life. Well, John goes on to write, "the Word became flesh and has dwelt among us." Huh?!? The Word became flesh? Suddenly, I'm thinking John must be talking about Jesus...

And he is.

Jesus is the Word. So, its like God had stuff he wanted us to hear, and so He spoke this word, and the word that came out of His mouth wasn't just some word like you or I know, the word that came out of His mouth was His very own Son, Jesus.

So I think about the "word of God" or the Bible. But the Bible is many words. Thousands of words; in fact, so many words that sometimes I start to get confused or begin to feel like I'm really missing the meaning of the words. But what if all those words that form the many sentences and thoughts that are the Bible, what if those words are really all trying just to describe one word... One Word, namely, Jesus? And that is exactly what they are doing.

Jesus IS the Word of God. God only needed to speak one word to us, and He chose to speak His Son to us, instead of preaching and trying to convince us, or sway our minds with ration and philosophy, God instead chose to speak to us a relationship. He sent Jesus. Rather, He spoke Jesus to us, and in Him (Jesus) He showed us a love that would stop at no end to love, and a freedom that communicated a release from religious burden and guilt and a rescue from a dark, sinister evil that longs to destroy us. This was God's Word.

You know, I get so worked up at times, wanting to communicate some deep truth to my friend, and really wanting them to 'get it.' And I am so sure that I'm right, and that if they just saw things my way, they'd have a clearer understanding that would really improve their quality of life or make them way more obedient and perfect. And I wonder if all those words I use, all of the arguing and manipulating and discourse are just really wasted words, empty words, just meaningless that is going to burn when judged before the throne of God.

Because if God chose to speak only one Word to us, isn't that really the only Word worth mentioning? Jesus. And I know that we, and me too, will probably wake up tomorrow morning and get into some discussion with an acquaintance over the "word of God," and will debate and and talk in circles around the meaning of one or two verses, or maybe some concept that we believe the we hold the corner market on, and we'll walk away from that conversation thinking that at least we tried to obediently and humbly show the other their faults and wrong thinking and put them on the 'better path.' And you know what? We'll be wrong. We'll have acted in pride, not humility, and we'll have spoken empty and meaningless words that all don't matter a stitch because they all fell short of describing the Jesus that truly is the Word of God.

There is only One Word for us to speak. Predestination or Free Choice? Jesus. Pre-millenial or post-millenial? Jesus. Republican/Democrat? Praying in tongues? Infant baptism? Seeker-friendly or emergent church? Can we please begin to see that all of the things we hold so dearly too and all of the things we waste our precious words on are all nothing, rubbish in fact, compared to Jesus?

God help us. Help us to know your Son, to truly hear the Word You are speaking to us. To lay ALL aside in order to know and hear Him... we need You.

Here's a quote I read once, and if you know who spoke this or wrote this, I would love to know who, but I read it on a bulletin of a church I attended a long time ago:

"Selfish love talks to people about Jesus. Self-less love talks to Jesus about people."

I think I'm really beginning to love when my first response is not to quickly speak up and set someone straight on their messed-up views, but rather when my first instinct is to drop to my knees and pray that they might know Jesus more, right where they're at right now.

The irony is how many words I just used... I probably should have just written this:

Jesus: the Son and the One Word of God.

My Oshkosh Community

2007-10-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

Unlearning

2007-10-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

so here is what is blowing my mind away: Jesus loves me. He's crazy about me. We talk about it a lot, we agree with it, we say it tons, we even sing it. But I don't believe it. Not usually anyways, because I guess today I'd have to say I do believe it. I really believe, with all my heart, that Jesus loves me. I cannot express to you the freedom and relief and joy that brings to my heart. Usually I live out of guilt and fear and greed, but really believing deep down that Jesus loves me is setting me free....

I have recently been feeling that the season of life I am in right now is one of 'unlearning.' Unlearning everything I thought I knew and believed about the Christian life. Unlearning the habits and behaviors that I often put my hope in or find myself relying on to subside the voices of guilt and fear in my heart and in my head. Unlearning. Unlearning church. Why is it that we all sit in pews or uncomfortable seats and face forward? Why is it that we all pay attention to one person like a lecture or being in a classroom? It certainly isn't 'holier' than any other style. But yet somehow, I think if we really thought about it, we'd feel like we were doing something wrong if we changed how we do church.

I feel like I'm unlearning the religious habits that I have too. Like having a set quiet time at 8am every morning. Or using some devotional, or reading through the Bible in a year. I want to unlearn how I pray, and what I think of as proper and better prayer as opposed to simply being honest in conversation with God.

I want to unlearn because I'm so tired of sitting in groups of holy people and all of us trying to sound so smart and educated and spiritual about who God is and what He is like. I'm weary of theological conversation that attempts to justify or control our behavior. To put boundaries on our lives, or burdens on our shoulders-again, probably to make us feel like we're actually doing something for our salvation.

And here is why I am unlearning. I was reading Philippians a few days ago. Okay, now we've all read this and heard this before maybe, but let go of what you know, let go of what you think, let go of your history and your habits and really here what Paul is saying here. This hit me in a whole new way:

Watch out for those dogs, those wicked men and their evil deeds, those mutilators who say you must be circumcised to be saved. For we who worship God in the Spirit are the only ones who are truly circumcised. We put no confidence in human effort. Instead, we boast about what Christ Jesus has done for us.
Yet I could have confidence in myself if anyone could. If others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more! For I was circumcised when I was eight days old, having been born into a pure-blooded Jewish family that is a branch of the tribe of Benjamin. So I am a real Jew if there ever was one! What's more, I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. And zealous? Yes, in fact, I harshly persecuted the church. And I obeyed the Jewish law so carefully that I was never accused of any fault.
I once thought all these things were so very important, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. As a result, I can really know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I can learn what it means to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that, somehow, I can experience the resurrection from the dead!
(Phil. 3:2-11, NLT)

We are to put NO confidence in our flesh, in what we can do in our relationship with Jesus. Instead, the full responsibility of our salvation, of our life with Christ, is on Jesus alone; and His responsibility was seen through the end when He died for us and came back to life. The Bible says that Jesus died once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring us into relationship with God.

What would it look like to unlearn? I guess in some ways it would seem that one would become more like a child. A child is what Jesus said we needed to become if we would inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Simplistic, faith-filled, trusting, innocent... You know, when I think of it, as a child I just trusted that I was loved. My only responsibility was to love back. Children don't have lists of stuff to follow or complete or do; that's the joy of being a child. They just exist, are loved, and often just simply love in return. Is it possible that that is all Jesus had in mind for us when He told us to become like little children? I'm beginning to think so.

But I live in this world of responsibility and performance and duty. As a Christian, I feel like I am supposed to evangelize more. I need to be more disciplined. I have to be involved in 'ministry' if I truly want to be that next level Christian. I'm supposed to be involved and active in a church, 'cause that's just the healthy, important thing for me to do. Uggh. Can I just say I'm tired of all that. To me, it is all beginning to feel like religious burdens. It feels like guilt and comparison and frankly, psychotic behavior. Jesus says that my job is to love. That feels like freedom. So I want to unlearn all that I know in this life of what it means to be a Christian, and I want to be free to know love; to know that I am loved by God my Father, and that I am free to love Him back, and to love my neighbors.

I really don't know what all this stuff I'm writing about even looks like. What does it look like to just be loved and to love? What sets me apart as a Christian if I'm not crazily running around trying to save others or be more disciplined? I guess I'd have to say that right now I'm not sure. But I know that I'm tired of feeling guilty. And I know that everything I read about Jesus seems to communicate freedom to me, not guilt.

My wife and I have recently moved to Oshkosh, Wisconsin in order to plop ourselves right down in the middle of community. What I mean by that is that we have friends and family here that we were longing to share life with. What I mean by sharing life is that we want the kind of relationships with these people where we cry with them when they hurt. To be the people they call if they need us to watch their kids so they can get away for an afternoon. We wanted to share meals with these people and give our money and our time and our stuff to people in our community that have need. And actually, to receive these things from our friends when we are in need.

So that's what we are doing, and its been really cool because it seems that God has been working in all these other people's hearts and leading them to this place where they want the same things we do. So every week we get together and share dinner and talk and laugh and tell dirty jokes and then after dinner and the dishes are clean, and after the little kids have kinda fallen asleep, we take turns sharing the things that are on our hearts... hurts or thoughts, or things we're confused about. And then we just pray for each other. And its really cool because when I think of Jesus' words in Matthew that His final command is for us to love one another and that when we do that, the whole world will know we are His disciples because we're loving one another, this kind of community is what I picture.

This community that we are sharing in is actually quite scary for me. Mainly because most nights we get together, right before we head over to our friend's house, I find myself really not wanting to go. I either feel too tired or grumpy or feeling like I just want to be alone. Its also scary because these people are getting the chance to see me. I mean the real me. Not the me that I would be at church, you know, like saying all the right things, and using cool Christian words like 'quiet time' and 'evangelising' and 'God spoke to me this weekend' or 'I just feel like God has put this calling on my life.' And I'm not trying to offend anyone that talks like that, and to be honest, I sometimes talk like that, but in my relationships with people I don't talk like that. And so these people in my community here see the me that doesn't talk like that. Instead they hear me say that I'm really angry and somebody, or see the non-verbal reaction I have when someone says something I think is stupid. And that is scary.

Its scary because they might choose to judge me, or make fun of me, or ask me not to be a part of their community. And then I remember that really, that's only been my experience within the walls of what I think of when I say the word church. In real life we get mad at each other and we say stupid things that hurt feelings, and it is all really okay, because that's when we really have the opportunity to learn how to respond in love to each other. And that is really what Beth and I were saying we were longing for when we talked about intentional community a year ago.

This idea of sharing life with our friends and family is new to me. I'm just learning as I go, and really we all are. We've never done anything like this and so we are infants. And I guess that means that I'm not really unlearning, I'm just learning. But so often our learning is completely marred by what we've already learned in the past. I guess that is why I want to unlearn. I don't want my previous learning to affect what I should be learning now, mainly because this is all so new and I know a lot of people that would say it isn't all that Christian at all because we aren't a part of a church (proper) and we don't sing, and we talk dirty before we pray. But I don't care. I'm loved by God, I'm loved by these people, and we are pushing one another toward loving Him and others more, so I'm convinced we are right where Jesus wants us to be. And the best part? The best part is that He is in our midst every time we gather together. When we break our bread and drink out of our cups, we are truly doing it while remembering Jesus. And I think that is cool.

Summer Adventures

2007-06-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

Springtime Changes

2007-05-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

It has certainly been awhile, but finally it is time to update this blog with the new changes in my life; Beth's and my life. It has been a very busy spring with lots of craziness, but alas, life keeps tickin' and we keep rollin' and Jesus just keeps on leading us. It is all very exciting....

I think the last time I 'updated' it was just about Christmas time. Christmas time... wow. It was in early January that I approached our interim pastor at church to be frank and honest about some feelings I was having. Beth and I had been really feeling a moving in our hearts that was yearning for a deep, authentic community. The kind of community where you share life with one another-you know, baby-sit kids, cook for one another and eat together, watch dogs, or share shopping bills. The kind of community where you know each other so well that you hurt together and cry together, share burdens. Where you pray for one another and hold each other to a higher standard of living. Beth and I were longing in January to be known and accepted, simply for who we were, no expectations, no guilt. The problem is that community comes around only once in a great while. We have experienced it in two places: Oshkosh, Wisconsin and Colorado Springs, Colorado.

So there we were, really feeling this deep stirring for this community thing, but being and working and living in a place where we didn't feel known, didn't feel accepted except for what we were doing or how we performed, and longing for something deeper. So I talked with our pastor to communicate this and let him know upfront what I was feeling-especially knowing that staff evaluations were coming up... and... the church was beginning a study to see what options existed for keeping current staff in relationship to their ever decreasing budget.

February rolled around and again I talked with our interim-I was going to join Beth for a vacation trip to Wisconsin, and had the opportunity to apply for a couple of residence life jobs at UW schools nearby Oshkosh. I told the pastor about this, and he let me know that he was pretty sure a reduction in staff was iminent and that I should for sure go ahead and see what opportunities might be available. So the middle of February, Beth and I headed to the homeland of Wisconsin.Interviews went well. Well one did, in Stevens Point. They offered a second interview so I flew back out, two weeks later in March. This interview went extremely well, and a week later they offered the job.

I turned it down.

I don't know. It wasn't like I felt that God was telling us what to do, I prayed a lot, but didn't feel a leading in any direction. Except that Beth and I had had this longing for community. Now I have some very best friends in Seattle, about an hour from Anacortes where we were living, but you know how often I saw each of them? About once a year. Stevens Point is about an hour from Oshkosh. And our desire is to share life with our friends and our family. An hour just wasn't close enough, so call me crazy, but no job for Greg-just the hope of finding some purpose in life and a home in Oshkosh.

Well, time went by, and life moved on. March 15 was a big day. The church council was confronted with the options of what to do to balance staffing and budgeting. And here was the decision-although not without much disagreement that is lasting even to today. Matt and I, the two full-time associate pastors were given the 'option' of keeping our positions but on a part-time basis (15 hours a week, $20 an hour) or taking a severance package and terminating employment effective May 1st. I wasn't surprised by the decision or the outcome, but the quickness of the timing was very shocking to me. It didn't take Beth and I long to come to our decision about what to do. It was kinda the final straw that helped make the decision for us, so starting March 22 we began making plans for a re-directed future.

Only one thing remained as a part of our job in Anacortes, and that was our church's mission trip to Nicaragua. We were so excited to join the team that was going, so we couldn't leave the church without finishing with this trip. And it was good. Two weeks of living in a resort, a mountain village without a bathroom, speaking spanish solamente and eating a TON of rice and beans. Not to mention sharing some really good times with some dear friends from our church. Enjoy some pics:

When we got home from Nicaragua we didn't have much time left in A-town. We found some renters for our basement apartment at the Cranes' house and that meant we could leave Washington around May 15 and save quite a bit of money in rent. So we did. But we had one trip to take care of first-the Oregon coast was a destination we had long been hoping to see, and since we only had about two weeks before we moved, we left the very next day after coming home from Nicaragua. What an amazing and beautiful trip-and we needed it for the processing of all that had happened to us over the past two or three months....

And so one week after getting home from Oregon, we packed up all our crap and moved eastward to Colorado. And here we are. We're living here (in my parent's basement) for the summer and we'll be working at Cross Bearing Adventures. (This is our Colorado community and we love our family here) And then in August we'll be heading to Wisconsin to find out what our next chapter is-all we know for sure right now is that we'll be living in community; sharing life and relationships with friends and family. Baby-sitting, watching dogs, crying over hurts, praying for one another, cooking and eating-relationships and suffering... and laughing and enjoying life together. Yup, that is where we are headed. And it is a great thing.

Values Modification

2007-04-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

what looks like failure is success/and what looks like poverty is riches/when what is true looks more like a knife/it looks like you're killing me but you're saving my life

chorus: but i give myself to what looks like love/and i sell myself for what feels like love/and i pay to get what is not love/and all just because i see things upside down

what looks like weakness can do anything/and what looks like foolishness is understanding/when what is powerful has not come to fight/it looks like you're going to war/but you lay down your life/chorus/

what looks like torture is a time to rejoice/what sounds like thunder is a comforting voice/when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed/and i say i don't know you but you say its finished/when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed/and i say i don't know you but you say its finished

(Derek Webb "what is not love" from the album: i see things upside down)

The words of this song have been echoing in my ears as of late. It is striking to me the difference between the values that Christ holds up for us in direct relation and opposition to the values that the world around us holds. For instance, in Matthew 5, Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” I suspect that most of us in the world would say, “blessed are the wealthy, for they are the ones that have power in this world.”

Jesus says, “blessed are those of you who mourn, for you will be comforted.” We tend to say, “find happiness at any cost-even if it means numbing your soul.”

Jesus says, “blessed are you when you are persecuted for my name sake, for the Kingdom of Heaven is yours.” I think most often, we do anything we can to protect our image, our reputation; we fight to prove that our opinion or point of view is right and worthy.

Jesus says, “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” The world says, “pursue wealth, adventure and stuff, for this is what is important.”

Jesus says, “blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons and daughters of God.” By our very lives we condemn ourselves through our gossip and slander and angry talk toward one another, our plotting and conniving, our arguing and dissension.

Consistently throughout His life, Jesus has showed us that our values are to be directly opposite of the values the world holds up. Derek’s song above is correct: what looks like poverty is riches. What looks like foolishness is understanding.

If we, not as ‘congregational members,’ but “a chosen and royal priesthood, called by God,” are to have any impact on our community around us, we MUST lay aside all that the world holds dear, and embrace with all of our lives the values that Jesus lived out.

I struggle with this often, and it is not good, but when we see ministry as an investment, or we are ‘shareholders’ in the events and relationships happening around us, we reduce our love relationship with Christ-our unique chosen ness and priesthood, to nothing more than a contractual agreement. It grieves me that this is the kind of language we often use when discussing our ministries or our giving or our events. Jesus chose us for so much more… a royal priesthood. Shareholders and investments sound so ‘businessy.’ Community, children, the body of Christ? Now those are words and ideas that I can get behind with all of my heart. A passionate, romantic, loving relationship with Jesus….

What the world holds up as important cannot and will not attract the world. All we have at our disposal is love. Love often looks like failure, often takes on the shape of poverty and brokenness. To say otherwise is to slap Jesus and His death on the cross in the face. Jesus was wounded for our transgressions, broken and crushed for our sins. To live in a way that pursues power or wealth; to live life seeking arguments and control is oppressive, and directly in contradiction to God’s Word, Jesus. We have nothing this world needs or wants, save for the infinite mercy and love beyond all reason of Jesus our Lord, and of our Heavenly Father.

We are the Bride of Christ. And though not perfect, we are a lovely bride. Jesus, our groom, is coming for us, bursting with anticipation. And love will prepare our hearts for the incredible things He has in store for us. We must throw off the values we live by that copy the world around us, and we must take on a new set of values, a new mind and a new heart, the kind of values that Christ lives out even still in our lives.

My prayer and deepest hope for you Anacortes First Baptist Church, is that you would throw off everything and anything that so easily entangles you, and run with perseverance the race that God has set out for you. I pray that we will trade in the language and values of big business for the poverty and brokenness and mercy and meekness that Jesus longs for us to take on.

Pursue Him in Jesus’ name-Amen.

Stillness of Heart

2006-12-30T19:33:00.000-08:00

Be Still and Know that I Am God.
Psalm 46

Stillness. Man, that isn't something this world seems to come by naturally. Maybe in some cultures, but certainly not our western, commercially-driven, consumer society. No, rather, our world-all cultures really, the human heart; we all seem to be driven by noise. I think noise is the opposite of stillness. Noise shows up in an awful lot of ways: anxious thoughts, busy schedules, music and commercials and other background sounds continuously playing and vying for attention, even words-empty, meaningless words that quickly seek to fill awkward moments of silence when it does arrive.

Noise is our natural bent. And yet the writer in Psalm 46 speaks the very Words of God, "Be still, and know that I Am God." Be still. Stillness of heart, I have to say, is the very internal struggle that I have continued to fight for most of my life. What I write, even when I participate in meaningless conversation, pursuits that I passionately devote myself to, all stem from this inner struggle of finding stillness, of learning to be still. Stillness in my heart. And I believe that that is what God is asking from us throughout His written Word (and spoken through the life of Jesus). Physical stillness is an outword expression that can beget a life of inner stillness... stillness of heart.

When I think of stillness or contemplation I immediately think of the story in the Bible where Jesus goes to visit His very good friends, sisters Mary and Martha. Martha is expecting company and so is very busy bustling around the kitchen in an effort to make sure everything is just right. Mary sits at Jesus' feet and listens to Him as He teaches, possibly shares a story or two from the day; but mainly she's just sitting-being-in stillness. This is not the place for the typical conversation that comes up, discussing the need and differences and benefits between the "active" and the "contemplative" life. It just is amuzing to me how hard it is for us to ever sit and be still. And especially if that stillness is an effort to know that He is God.

This truly is the core of what I've been struggling with over the past few months. In some ways, working in a church makes for an even tougher struggle in being still, I think because the opportunity to 'do' is around constantly, and frankly, people expect some type of 'do' and get a little frustrated when there is not a 'do' that is producing in an efficient manner. Stillness does not provide effiency it seems. I'm reading this great book entitled "Contemplative Youth Ministry" by Mark Yaconelli, and he borrows some awesome quotes that have sparked some of my thinking. Maybe this will further explain my previous idea of effiency and what I am desperately longing for in a lifestyle:

Religion is not our concern; it is God's concern. The sooner we stop thinking we are the energetic operators of religion and discover that God is at work... so much the sooner do we discover that our task is to call people to be still and know, listen, hearken in quiet invitation to the subtle promptings of the Divine. Our task is to encourage others first to let go, to cease striving, to give over this fevered effort of the self-sufficient religionist trying to please an external deity. I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock," but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of effort to do something for God that they don't hear Him asking that He might do something through them.
-Thomas Kelly, A Testament of Devotion

I am currently in Colorado, my home, for the Christmas season. My wife and I were very much looking forward to spending a few days at home with my parents, but the funny thing is how you always plan vacation time in a way that gets you back to your routine so you don't miss too many beats. Well, unlike many winters of drout that Colorado has had, this year God delivered snow. A lot of snow. We were supposed to fly out of DIA this evening, but because of road conditions and many cancelled flights, there was just no way of heading home. We changed our flight for the Monday following this weekend. We've been snowed in for two days. Two more days to go. I thought tonight I was beginning to go a little stir crazy, but then something happened-I lost desire to read, I lost my desire to watch tv-even sleep. I just laid on my bed, looking around my old room that I grew up in, and simply got lost in thought. But not just daydreaming. I mean, I was very aware of an inner stillness that was taking place in me.

I was aware of something else too. Sadness. Sorrow. Its almost as if the closer my heart got to truly being still (and knowing that He is God) the more sorrow set in. Now the idea of sorrow sounds bleak and distasteful initially. And I must admit my first thought was to pick up a magazine or grab a computer and do some emailing. But instead I just sat there. The sorrow didn't necessarily subside, but it wasn't unpleasant. I don't know really how to describe it-I was just there, with this kind of sad feeling, but with a very real sense of joy at the same time. And so this is what I'm wondering; maybe stillness of heart comes by way of sorrow, or a kind of suffering. And even more, maybe that is why we are creatures of busyness and noise-the idea of sorrow and suffering is repulsive.

But sorrow and suffering are of most importance and vitality to our lives. Hinds feet in High Places is an amazing book by Hannah Hunard. It is an allegorical story about a girl, Much Afraid, who after much encouragement decides to journey to the High Places. She is given two companions to act as guides for her, and there names are Sorrow and Suffering. They are not pleasant companions at the beginning of Much Afraid's journey, but by the end she cannot imagine traveling without their welcome company.

I believe that Hunard found out a secret truth-one however that Christ lived in all His years-that we cannot truly live and love without embracing sorrow and suffering. And I'm thinking that we can't embrace them if we aren't willing to slow down, to be still, to hurt, to know.... Remember? Relationship and suffering go hand in hand. If we want to love people and give to them, we are going to have to experience sorrow. It is out of sorrow and suffering and silence and stillness that we can love. Because we cannot love if we don't know God. The apostle John tells us that. And God asks us to be still and know Him. Sorrow, stillness, silence, suffering, love.

The more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words will be useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the Light of Christ increase the darkness.
-Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Maybe the knee-jerk reaction then is to turn away from love and from others. Or maybe the more typical response is to simply 'try harder' in our efforts to love by spending more time doing and not being. I mean, we run in an economy of effiency, right? Who has time for sorrow and suffering and silence and stillness? We've got work to do. But do not run. I think God is saying that to us now, "Do not run my child. Be still. Embrace the sorrow for there you will find Me. Trust Me, sit with Me, be with Me. And then you will know My love and you will be My love to others. Be still and know that I Am God.

"Henri Nouwen in his book, The Inner Voice of Love, writes,

You will discover that the more love you can take in and hold on to, the less fearful you will become. You will speak more simply, more directly, and more freely about what is important to you, without fear of other people's reactions. You will also use fewer words, trusting that you communicate your true self even when you do not speak much. The more you come to know yourself-spirit, mind, and body-as truly loved, the freer you will be to proclaim the good news. That is the freedom of the children of God.

And so it is. Do not fear, do not run. Have faith, trust your Father as a child and cling to Him in stillness and wonder and silence. He carries our sorrows and suffering and changes them into love; love that He longs to live through us to the world around us. It is anti-culture, opposite of our society, but it is what our world most needs-Jesus-stillness of heart. Amen.

"Rick" - i see the world upside down-

2006-12-19T00:32:00.000-08:00

I have this friend named Rick. Maybe not so much as a friend as much as I might consider him a mentor. But he would call me friend, and so I'm honored to call him my friend. I met Rick about three years ago. I was a month from getting married; I'd moved to St. Paul, Minnesota to start a new job and a new graduate school, and a new life with a girl.

This job was a pretty sweet gig. Really what I wanted was to finish up a masters degree I had started three year earlier at Washington State. But I'd dropped out because I really hated the classroom, always knowing though, that I'd like to finish up some day. So finally, the right time had come because I needed to be responsible in order to provide for my new wife, and I was thinking that a masters degree could really be a step in the right direction. Plus I was kindof interested in what I'd be studying.

Now graduate school is very expensive. Unless you are planning on ordering a degree online from some fake institution, in which case it isn't really that costly, although really it is because you are paying someone simply for the honor of them giving you a piece of paper. Which really stinks... actually what most stinks is that even though I kinda worked for my degree, there were tons of times I felt I was just giving my money to a school to produce a piece of paper that said I'd accomplished a degree. It was just a lot more expensive piece of paper than you might get from a fake online institution.

Anyways, I was attending the University of St. Thomas, a small Catholic school in St. Paul. (I know, tons of St.s' but that's how they do things out in the midwest.) I couldn't afford the degree in a million years, but this is where the really cool job gig comes in. Schools will hire people, graduate degree seeking people, to live in their residence halls (dorms to the lay person) and in return pay for their housing their food, and sometimes all of any degree they are pursuing. In my case they weren't paying for all of it, but a big enough chunk that really made the whole thing worth it. So for a couple thousand dollars, and two years of selling my soul to living with alcohol loving college students and waking up at 2:30 in the morning for fire alarms (we had 23 my first year) I got, in return, a real, semi-worked for masters degree. What an awesome deal.

And this is where Rick comes into play. I had an apartment building that I was in charge of. Eight floors, all upperclass students, a lot of parties and noise and fun and students and, as I already aluded to, fire alarms. (That's just what happens when college students start cooking for themselves for the first time in their lives...)

Rick was a janitor in Morrison Hall. A janitor. Now, I'll admit; I was pursuing a masters degree. A degree that would give me status and reputation and authority and knowledge, and by the way, hopefully more money! Janitors weren't necessarily the people I most wanted or needed to rub shoulders with at that time. Or so common human, worldly logic might tell you. But Rick was different.

For starters, Rick was tall and slender, slightly balding and he had this killer beard. He was old too, at least 65. I mean, I know for sure he was old enough to be retired, I found out later he just hated sitting around and he wanted to keep working. His hair was kind of turning grey, but still had some of this reddish tint to it, so I always thougth he was probably Mennonite. Or Quaker. I guess he is just what I always thought a Mennonite or a Quaker would look like. Kind of like an Amish person, but maybe dressed in colors-a little more 'hip' if you will.

Rick had the personality I would expect of a Mennonite too. He was real quiet; he almost mumbled when we would talk, and I had to really concentrate on listening to understand everything he said. Within our very first conversation, something drew me to Rick. I wanted to talk to him more, I wanted to listen, very carefully, more, and I really wanted to know if he'd clean my bathroom until I got married.

Seriously, after the first conversation I had with him, this is what I thought to myself: "self, this guy seems very sincere, and has this air of love and simplicity and of contemplation. I must get to know this Mennonite-type man better." And so I did. And with every conversation I became more and more aware of his deep, intimate love for Jesus Christ, his concern for every student that had ever lived on any of the floors that he cleaned, and his simple spirit that really just sought to be the best, most God-honoring janitor the University of St. Thomas had ever seen. And I believe he is.

Well, you can imagine that my attitude towards janitors changed rather quickly. In fact, most days I found myself envying Rick and the other janitors in my hall, Thomas and Marcos; mainly because of the simplicity of their jobs, and the fact they didn't have to kiss that many people's butts throughout each day. Their jobs were probably quite political in some sense, but not in the sense I dealt with; spending hours on phone calls and emails in an attempt to appease an angry parent or child because they got busted for smoking pot and really, with their money, there was no logical reason in their eyes that they should ever get in trouble for anything... In any case, I envied those guys. Most of all Rick because he had a really good attitude. All the time.

It wasn't until late into my first year at St. Thomas that I learned something about Rick that reminded me of the Truth (that is Jesus) more than anything else in my life. We were talking one day and Rick, without any pretensiousness or pride, mentioned he was writing/editing a text book for a friend. Yeah, and on some crazy topic like physics or chemistry or medical stuff. I really can't remember, but I do remember being awed that this 65 year old, very quiet janitor was writing a text book on a really smart subject. Even if you are just editing, you have to know something about the topic I would assume, so I started figuring that Rick was a pretty smart fellow. A couple days later I found out the rest of what makes Rick being a janitor so intriguing. This guy has a Doctorate in something like English or Chemistry or both! Its amazing. Here I am trying to sound important in my pursuit of a masters degree, and a janitor in my building is a Doctor! I was blown away. And this is what Rick said: "Greg, I just realized I wanted out of the rat-race. Its like I was running on this treadmill and I just got sick of it and I wanted to get off. So I quit and became a janitor." And if that isn't some kind of simplicity, some kind of carelessness for what the world thinks and hold in esteem, than I don't know what is.

Rick's heart to know Christ blew far and away his desire for reputation and knowledge and money. The Bible says that "knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." So true. All of Rick's knowledge never touched my heart at all; but his love, man, I walked away from every conversation with that man encouraged and inspired and desperately wanting to know Christ more deeply.

Derek Webb has a song entitled, "what is not love." And the first few lines go like this:

What seems like failure is success/and what looks like poverty is riches
when what is true looks more like a knife/it looks like you're killing me but you're saving my life

And is it not true? The things we revere and hold up in this world are just not what is important in the Kingdom of God. In fact, Jesus, when He was living on this earth gave a sermon in which He spoke about the difference between what the world honors and what God honors:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Matthew 5:3-10 (NIV)

If that's not seeing the world upside down, than what is? Poor in spirit? We, or I should say I, tend to honor those rich in spirit; the rich and the educated are voted into office, those who graduate from seminary are esteemed as true pastors, the charismatic are given positions of leadership. Seriously, if someone is poor in spirit we really don't give them a second look. I think that Bill, the homeless guy I met outside of Safeway the other day, sitting in the cold, begging, I see him as poor in spirit. Or maybe Corina and Steve, owners of a car repair center down the block from my house, who once were in full-time missions and then church planting, then gave it all up to be close to family and opened their own humble car repair shop. They seem to me to be poor in spirit. Rick the janitor is poor in spirit. But what abundance of love has been given to him because Jesus loves him. I think these people have and will continue to receive the kingdom of Heaven.

And blessed are those who mourn? Are you kidding me? We try everything possible to protect ourselves from having to mourn. We put on wrinkle cream and get botox injections to remain looking young, we look for revenge as soon as we've been wronged, we remain closed off and disconnected from others so we don't have to mourn losing their friendship one day down the road. Jesus in this sermon has it all wrong, He's seeing things backwards. How can this really be what He believes?

If you think that these few verses are just a snipet of Jesus' life taken out of context, spend some time reading through the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the Bible. It doesn't matter what version you read, the Message, NIV, New King James... they all will communicate the same ideas, and all of Jesus' life affirms and supports these ideas. Jesus saw our world through a different lens-one completely opposite of everything we know.

One book I believe you must read is Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What." In the book, Miller draws out this idea of seeing the world upside down, how Jesus had everything backwards from us. He wasn't competitive, He didn't seek out reputation or monetary gain or even positional power. He avoided the lime light to a large extent, even telling people He had healed not to tell anyone about who He was (the Son of Man, the Messaiah, the Savior). Jesus didn't follow the same rules that we live out by nature. We seek to save our selves, He sought to give Himself up as a sacrifice for us. Jesus loves us.

It is so hard in this world, probably especially here in America, to see the world the way Jesus did. We're surrounded by comfort; extreme comfort. We have television and technology and really cool and expensive toys to entertain us. We are bombarded with a message that tells us that our reputation and our looks and how much money we have, that those are the things that define us and that really matter. We find pride in positions of leadership and power, we hold tightly to our degrees and training. And so when this Jesus guy tells us that it is blessed to be merciful or to be poor in spirit or to be persecuted, well, that just goes against everything that we've been raised up to live for. His voice drives us nuts, probably because we sense some kind of long lost truth in His words that we used to know, and so we are faced with a dillema. Either ignore Him but continue hearing, or respond. Often I'll admit, I want to choose the option that we chose when Jesus walked on the earth-to kill Him. Silence His voice. But that's the thing. Jesus broke the hold that death had on Him. He was raised back to life. He lives even now. And so we still hear His voice.

Our other option is to respond-to begin attempting to see the world the way Jesus sees it; upside down. Or right side up. Either way, we desperately need His perspective. Its hard and it goes against our nature, but it is the way of love. It is the right way.

Just look at my friend Rick. That man left everything the world had offered him to "make himself a somebody." And he just walked away. He could have stayed, and I believe he could have stayed and loved Jesus just as well. He probably faces just as much temptation to live for his self as he would have in his other life, but he chose to walk away from what the world holds dear. I suppose the issue isn't really whether one walks away or not; if you truly see the world upside down, you have the freedom in your heart to walk away. You have the freedom to let go of always getting your way. You have the freedom to walk in the path of love.

How do we learn to see the world upside down? Well, that is a topic for another day. But it is so vitally improtant because it is a challenge. I succumb to the world over and over, and am rarely reminded of the truth. I believe it starts however, with getting to know those who have everything backwards from us, those who do see the world upside down. I started with a janitor named Rick. Look around and be observant, because there is someone around you, nearby, who perfectly fits the bill. Every once in a while I run across the path of another backwards thinker-Corina and Steve, Bill the homeless guy, Donald Miller... Jesus. Get to know Jesus and you can't go wrong.

Remember, blessed are the poor in spirit-theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are the least of these, because of such as these is the Kingdom built. Now go, and see the world backwards.

what looks like failure is success/and what looks like poverty is riches/when what is true looks more like a knife/it looks like you're killing me but you're saving my life

chorus: but i give myself to what looks like love/and i sell myself for what feels like love/and i pay to get what is not love/and all just because i see things upside down

what looks like weakness can do anything/and what looks like foolishness is understanding/when what is powerful has not come to fight/it looks like you're going to war/but you lay down your life/chorus/

what looks like torture is a time to rejoice/what sounds like thunder is a comforting voice/when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed/and i say i don't know you but you say its finished/when what is beautiful looks broken and crushed/and i say i don't know you but you say its finished

(Derek Webb "what is not love" from the album: i see things upside down)

Too Many Words

2006-12-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

Ahhh.... we talk so much don't we? I mean humans. We have so much to say; every thought or opinion, judgement, hurt, accomplishment. There seems to be some incessant need within us to say just about everything that comes to our minds. It gets tiresome, doesn't it?
Sometimes, I just have to withdraw-its like I get exhausted of hearing all the things I have to say, which most of the time carry nothing of meaning or importance; which is fine I suppose, except that most of those words usually are either defending my point of view, or knocking someone else down, or attempting to make me look really cool. And that gets tiresome I guess.

To be frank, I get pretty sick of listening to all the empty words that others have to say too. Its like I want to scream and pull out my hair, or at least get in a car and drive for about three days listening to nothing except the hum of the pavement rolling by under the rubber on the tires. That's a good sound. It seems to carry meaning, for sure more meaning than roughly 90% of anything I think we have to say.

Richard Foster in his fantastic book, "Celebration of Discipline" writes this: (yes, more words, but fantastic nonetheless)

The tongue is our most powerful weapon of manipulation. A frantic stream of words flows from us because we are in a constant process of adjusting our public image. We fear so deeply what we think other people see in us that we talk in order to straighten out their understanding. If I have done some wrong thing (or even some right thing that I think you may misunderstand) and discover that you know about it, I will be very tempted to help you understand my action! Silence is one of the deepest Disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification.

This pretty well sums up what I feel about words. And still, I fall victim to the very thing that exhausts me and drives me nuts. I too scramble to justify my every action or thought, am quick to express the reasons why to my thoughts so as to portray myself in the best possible light. I have even noticed lately that I am manipulative enough to share weaknesses with others in a way that seeks to win their approval. How deep is this reservoir of need and fear and disorder within me?!

One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes feel so helpless. We are so accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others. If we are silent, who will take control? God will take control, but we will never let Him take control until we trust Him. Silence is intamately related to trust.... One of the fruits of silence is the freedom to let God be our justifier. We don't need to straighten other out....
Catherine de Haeck Doherty writes, "All in me is silent and . . . I am immersed in the silence of God". It is in solitude that we come to experience the "silence of God" and so receive the inner silence that is the craving of our hearts.
(Foster, Celebration of Discipline)

I believe that silence truly is the craving of our hearts. It certainly is becoming more and more the craving of mine. God please, give me the discipline to hold my tounge. I'm tired of self-justification, of straightening others out. And help me to be grace-filled in listening to others words; grace-filled, yet firm as well. May others never feel they need to manipulate me or justify themselves to me or prove themselves to me. What a fear we live with and battle against.

Peter Hiett, the pastor at Lookout Mountain Community Church in Evergreen, Colorado has many times spoken about The Word. John 1:1 in the Bible reads, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.... And the Word became flesh and has dwelt among us..."
I remember one specific summer evening service when Peter spoke about the Word, and that He truly has said all that is necessary to be spoken. Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and He has spoken into all eternity all that ever needs to be spoken. Love and forgivness and glory and honor and truth. We were encouraged to speak Jesus to others. And that makes so much sense to me really. I just struggle at doing it. But I mean, if I really spent my life focusing on speaking Jesus to others, I would never waste words trying to justify or build up or protect myself. I suppose my words wouldn't look so much like what we think of as words, you know, meaningless noises and grunts and unintelligible sounds, but my words would look more like Jesus. My words would be love. Be hope. Be truth and grace. My words would bring forgiveness and honor and glory. My words would be Jesus. I suppose I wouldn't even have to speak. I could just love and I would be speaking Jesus, except without sound. But all meaning.

And that is the ongoing struggle. Me, (my self, flesh, pride) vs. God (love, Jesus). The ongoing battle will always be to sacrifice my self to God, give my self to Him for His use and for His glory instead of seeking my own. Thanks be to God above that He has already redeemed me, place His Spirit within me, already set me free for all eternity. Thank you Jesus that the battle has already been won. Now I just need You to continue growing me...

Its true. Words are overrated. I want to be done speaking. I want to be done justifying, protecting, arguing, owning. I want to speak, or rather live, Jesus Christ-His forgiveness, His love, His grace, His truth. He is love, He is forgiveness, He is truth and He is grace.

I'm done with too many words. There's too much of me. There needs to be more of Him. May it be so.

This Past Fall

2006-12-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I think its been about three months since I last updated my blog on happenings in Beth's and my life; so I guess its about time. I really hadn't thought much had happened, but today I found a file on my computer of pictures that Beth had taken over the past three months, and thought I should probably post some of these and along with them, provide some sort of explanation. So here goes:

October:
Really the only news of note is to tell you of our Halloween, which is practically November, but nonetheless... Chris, Beth and I went to our friends Halloween party as the "cheap imitation version of the Three Amigos." (see below) We had a lot of fun, especially 'cause we went with John and Heidi, our other two friends in Anacortes, and they dressed up as "Grease; gone 1990's." A good evening, and one in which I learned that I really, really like Starbucks Liquor!

November:
November turned out to be a very fun and filled month! The week of Thanksgiving really is where most of my long lasting memories will come from. We started the week by heading to Leavenworth with John and Heidi to spend three very relaxing days in a cabin that some Young Life supporters own. It was so good to be in the mountains, near a river, play in the snow, and eat really, really good food. (john and beth did all the cooking!) We spent our one full day there walking around this small Bavarian town, drank lots of coffee, and then spent the evenings hanging out, watching movies, playing games and drinking this tasty concoction of white zinfandel and 7up... yummy!

Beth and I spent Thanksgiving day at our roommates' parent's house. Chris's girlfriend was in town and we had a lot of fun and ate a ton of food. And watched a lot of football. The perfect Thanksgiving. The next night John and Heide, Chris and Janie and Beth and I headed into downtown Seattle to watch the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony put on by Macy's or some big, rich store like that. That evening is still one of my highlights from the past few months.

Now we're headed into the Christmas season which will include a trip home to Colorado. Its been a fun and fast fall, and I actually am looking forward to updating my life on this blog thing sometime in the spring. (Though the frequency of my writings may not back up that claim.) Oh well. Peace.

Relationship and Suffering

2006-12-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

"I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

This is what Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians. Suffering. This is an idea I'm not sure that we can ever fully grasp, at least here in America. I'm sure I cannot fully grasp it, but I know that we do suffer, all of us in some way or another, and I know that I have suffered too. But sharing in sufferings? That seems rather sadistic....

Suffering has a way of identifying us. I'm not sure I can really explain what I'm thinking here, but like Paul wrote, sharing in Christ's suffering would identify Paul more closely with Jesus. Or maybe not identify, but pull Paul into closer intimacy with Jesus. Like communion. Sharing Christ's suffering, partaking with Him His body and blood-the bread and wine are symbols of His life spilled out for us.

I had a thought this morning during our church service. Communion is a symbolic act we partake in to be identified with Christ; to remember Him in His suffering which was for our redemption. This act though seems to me to be almost disgraced or maybe even raped if we share in communion without a true, intimate relationship with Jesus. We're taking part in a remembrance of His suffering, but having nothing to do with His suffering. That doesn't make much sense to me. I guess really this is what I'm beginning to think: relationship is the key to suffering. I'm wondering if suffering and relationship can't exist without one another.

It is possible that at this point we need to come up with a definition for these two words. So let me paint a picture. Relationship. Relationship that is healthy and true requires committment. It requires hard times and good times; seasons of life. Communication, forgiveness, offense; a true relationship consists of these things, and other thoughts as well, I'm sure.
Suffering. Suffering is like that deep anguish felt at the heart level. Where hope is lost, sobbing can't even express the emotion, there are no words, no actions, no thoughts that can explain, heal or comfort. Having a flat tire on a highway and needing to be towed is not suffering. Not in my world anyway. Losing the biggest, most important game of the year would not fit under this definition. No, I'm thinking suffering consists of things like death, losing a loved one, being betrayed by a close and trusted friend, watching a nation die from a deadly disease or a wicked political figure, homelessness, forsakeness, loneliness, being abandoned or divorced. Those ideas capture suffering in my mind. Torture too.

And this is why I think suffering and relationship are inseperable. To truly be in relationship, you are committing to loving and walking with another through whatever life may bring them. Like marriage, but not limited to that act. If you abandon your friends during hard times, then you are not a friend. If you walk away during suffering of another then you do not love. Even as I write this I'm wondering how awful I am and have been to people that I have observed in the middle of suffering. Do I love those in the midst of AIDS crises around the world? Or maybe I'm most responsible for the suffering of those I am in relationship with.

I Corinthians speaks of love: love is not boastful or proud, it does not keep a record of wrong, it doesn't envy; it considers others better than itself, it always protects, always seeks to heal, always trusts, always hopes. Gosh, love sticks with another no matter what a season of life may bring. Love is faithful.

When we are in relationship with others is it possible that it is in suffering that we are identified with that person? Could it be that when our friend suffers, we grow closer to them and become one with them when we choose to suffer with them? We share in their suffering. Meaning, we take on their suffering as our own. Not to make light of what others go through, or to think that we could ever fully understand or feel the weight of what another is going through, but we choose to be with them, to hold their hand, to suffer with them.

The friends that are my closest are the ones that suffered with me during hard times, and I in turn have suffered with them in the midst of horrible suffering. We have shared in our sufferings, and have in a way become one with one another. We are identified with each other. We have loved each other and are in relationship with one another.

My wife, my best friend Joel and my other best friend Jay, man, we have some deep intimacy in our friendships because of some shared suffering. Relationship.

And so we remember Christ's suffering through communion. To remember His suffering without sharing in His suffering... its like we'd be disgracing what He did, like claiming relationship with Him but not having been identified with Him by suffering with Him. I wonder if that is why Paul said he wanted "to share in the sufferings of Christ..."? He was in relationship with Jesus and was willing to walk through any season, any circumstance that that relationship might bring with it.

I am not proposing that we go looking for suffering. Rather, I believe that the natural way of life and relationship is that eventually suffering will come. The question becomes then, what will we do with the suffering we are given? Will we avoid it and avoid sharing it; walking away from true relationship, or will we embrace it, hold hands and press on through it, knowing that it will bring out in us an identity with Christ, and intimacy that could never be realized without it. It'd be like having a marriage but never having a fight, or never crying together. It is ridiculous to think about. The very thought of marriage brings with it the expectation of suffering with another; holding each other at the death of a parent, or supporting the other in the midst of a job loss. That is the kind of committment and love that is required of relationship.

Relationship and Suffering go hand in hand. My prayer is that I will continue to long for relationship, and gladly accept and endure the suffering that goes along with it. Both with others and with Christ. Sharing in His sufferings so to become like Him in His death, so somehow, to attain to the resurrection, the joy that comes with endurance and intimacy....

Random thoughts I know, but may God our Father by His Spirit in us keep our hearts soft and humble before Him that we may remain moldable and loving in His hands.

One More Thing

2006-11-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

Pastor Ted Haggard was accused yesterday of having a sexual relationship with an ex-male prostitute in Denver, and buying and using crystal meth. From this world's point of view, what seemed to at one time be a leader of an "effective, productive, growing and successful" ministry, New Life Church, this leader has fallen from grace and tainted at the very least our society's view on christian culture.

In fact, just after finishing my last article, I read a news story about this whole thing on Google's news page. Here is a quote from Dr. James Dobson, another "successful" leader. Speaking of Haggard, the article states:

He has boasted of his access to President George W. Bush, and is a confidant of Focus on the Family head James Dobson, who said Haggard's downfall had "grave implications for the cause of Christ."

And here is what I am saying. From the world's perspective, Dr. James Dobson is right, the cause of Christ could be in trouble because of the sin of a powerful, effective christian leader. But my goodness, does Dobson really believe what he said? Do we as christians, as a sub culture of this world really believe that Christ is in anyway threatened by the sins of people. I mean, holy crap, that is why Jesus lived and died on this earth. For Ted Haggard's screw up. For me and my desire to smoke pot. For you and any sin or shame that you hide. Jesus left a Kingdom and got His hands filthy in the muck of our sin; because He loved us.

Listen to me. More so listen to the Spirit. If Jesus becoming sin for us, hanging on a cross naked and beaten and full of sin; if that act didn't create "grave implications for the cause of Christ," then there is absolutely no possible way that the sins of Pastor Ted Haggard could put the 'cause of Christ' into any jeprody. Don't you see? Jesus already conquered all of that sin. He already died and crucified that sin. He already has set us free, and He certainly has already completed His cause.

Dr. Dobson, statements like the one that you supposedly made piss me off. You are not able, even you, to lessen and cheapen the work of Christ and His redemption of great christian leaders who sin. Christ's reputation is not marred, and His cause is not under "grave implications." Don't you see, that kind of thinking is exactly how the world thinks. God's ways are not our ways. What concerns us or worries us or causes setbacks in our minds do not; can not come close to worrying or concerning or setting back God and His plans. We must break free from this world's perspectives. Truly, we have already been set free-we are capable of living separate from this world because of the love and power and sacrifice of Jesus.

Now we need to live it. Believe it. And quit worrying. God's Kingdom and Christ's cause are just fine.

Enough!

2006-11-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

When do we say "enough!"?

I am becoming more and more convinced that in our north american christian culture, the devil's main attack is through busyness, succeess, guilt, doing more, effectiveness, and many other words and thoughts that our culture would define as "the right thing" or the "better way" or "good." I'm so burdened by what I'm trying to confront and discuss, that I'm not really sure how to get these thoughts across. I know that in an earlier blog I discussed some of this, namely my guilt, but these past couple of weeks have gotten me thinking and we as followers of Christ have got to get a grip on these issues. I believe the time has come for me, for us, to say, "enough." Let me explain.

Recently a friend handed me a copy of a book entitled, "7 Practices of Effective Ministry." "This is such a great book," he said. This came just two weeks after receiving a copy of "Deep Change," another leadership book from my current interim pastor. One month before that a great, older guy in the church I attend gave me a copy of the "must read," "The Purpose Driven Church." Of course everyone I know thinks I have to read "The Purpose Driven Life." Next week some awesome people, a couple that I look up to because of their relationships with Jesus, have asked me to attend with them a conference. The conference? Something about spiritual formation and leadership. The keynote speaker? Reggie McNeal, one of the most revered speaker/writers on leadership in our current society.

My masters degree is in leadership. Its the buzzword these days I guess. Everyone wants in on the secrets to effective leadership. That seems to be the focus of most conversations happening around me, from student affairs departments at universities, to the weekly staff meeting in our pastor's office at the church.

Here's a funny thought: Jesus never asked us to become effective leaders. He asked His disciples, and I believe us as well, to "drop your nets and follow me." Follow.

I suppose leadership has its pluses. If we are going to establish effective churches that will speak to our post modern culture and raise up people that are attractive and knowledgable and have the ability to attract others to this life of the gospel, then we most likely will need a leader. And becuase of our current culture here in America, I suppose we do need a leader that is effective, can say all the right things, make the right decisions, and attract others; or get others to follow them. We want to be inspired, we want to be moved, we want to be apart of something bigger than ourselves, and for some reason, we think we need someone who is an 'effective leader' to tell us what that bigger thing is.

You see the thing is effective leaders get results. If a leader is effective, churches grow, people join in following, we are inspired and moved and become apart of something bigger than ourselves. If the leader is effective, we bring in more money, have more 'success,' make a bigger impact. And I suppose that all of that in and of itself is a good thing.

Yesterday the news broke about a pastor back home in Colorado. A leader of one of the biggest churches in the nation, for sure one of the most effective, and president of a 30 million member evangelical organization, this man was for sure revered as a very good leader. But the news yesterday morning was anything but that of success. This man has been accused of having sexual experiences with another man and buying and using methanphetimines. Now, please understand I have no idea what of all these accusations is actually true, and it does matter. However, this pastor did admit some part in all of it. And I am okay with that. In fact, I could very easily still look up to this man as a spiritual mentor or leader. He still has very good things to say that encourage me to know and follow after Christ. But these actions have gotten him in trouble, and all of a sudden he is anything but effective. He is not inspiring, he is not impactful in the 'effective' sense of the word.

And I think I like him even better because of it.

I could get into the travesty of how we in christian culutre hold our leaders up on pedastals and require perfection of them, thus setting them up for a greater fall. You see, this man is simply that: a man. A human who is cursed in this life with a sin nature. Just like everybody else. I could get into that, and maybe someday I will, but I have more to say on this busyness and effective crap right now.

Is it possible that in our striving to be effective and productive, we fall into the trap that satan has laid out for us-that of busyness? If you've read any of my earlier blogs then you know that I really struggle with this stuff. I constanly compare myself to others around me, my peers or co-workers. I see how effective youth ministries are run, and I think I need to do that for the students in my church. I feel that the job I do doesn't measure up, either to what people think it should, or what I think, and sometimes even to what God thinks. Its like I put thoughts in God's mind... which is impossible, but I do it anyways, and I figure that God must think I am an underachiever and then He must get very upset with me for being such a lazy slob when I should be 'out there' making impact in people's lives and being all effective and all that. Then I would achieve that coveted place of success. But until then I must be damned to exist and struggle through the mud and muck of guilt knowing that I am not living up to my full potential.

But now I'm wondering if busyness and the addictive need to acheive and be effective is what got this pastor into trouble? I mean, did he feel tempted to try meth because it works like a speed that could help him achieve greater accomplishments? Maybe he just was curious and has always wanted to check it out. I've always wanted to try pot. I'm just too scared-that honestly is the only reason why I haven't.

Seriously though, what if what dragged away and enticed this man to sin was really because he and those around him have been focused on the wrong things? Things like success and effective and growth and impact. In all the busyness of this man's life, is there ever a point to which he could say, without guilt and with support, "Enough!" I doubt it. Too many people were following his inspiration. He couldn't take a break; what would all those people he was responsible for do?

In my mind, that is our crime in our christian culture.

We aren't following Jesus anymore. We are trying to create big business. And to do that we have to use the tools of the world we live in like busyness and stress and effectiveness and inspiration and charisma and production and impact.

Don't you see? I see it right now. I might not tomorrow, but I do right now: Jesus didn't ask us to succeed. He didn't ask us to be effective or to learn the principles of leadership, or for that matter to create mega-churches that make huge impact on the world. Jesus asked us to follow Him. Follow Him. That's it.

And so right now I am saying enough. I've had it. I'm sick of working my tail off and staying busy, mostly to not feel guilty, but all that to be more effective or productive. I'm sick of doing all that at the cost of spending time, lots of time, in solitude and silence, on my knees or in nature with my Lord, Jesus Christ. He is asking me to follow, not to lead. Following means spending time at His feet. And if success and production and effectiveness come only by being more busy and that causes me to not spend lots of time at His feet, than I say "enough!" No more.

Jesus, may You and Your Spirit be the power and might that protect me from the devils' lies and snares. May Your Spirit relieve me of my guilt and feelings of inadequecy and underachievement. Whisper Your Truth to me. Remind me of what you want from me-and may YOU speak through me to others about what you really want from them.

You see, Jesus doesn't need me to be effective. He wants me to abide. Success is not to be what I worry for. Knowing the 7 principles of effective ministry-to hell with it-sincerely. I am not responsible for production, I shouldn't even think about it. Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. If we abide in Him, we will bear much fruit. He bears fruit in us, we don't produce.

Jesus' way was not the way of big business and mega churches. In fact, I don't really think His life could be seen in the immediate as effective. I mean, he taught and walked and discipled 12 guys, losers really, for three years. Then He died. Of course now we have the benefit of looking back and seeing how His life changed history-or rather how all of history is wrapped up in His life. But I don't think people that knew Him really saw Him as all that successful. There was nothing during His life or immediately following that showed any kind of production. Not in the way we measure it in our screwed up culture. He simply followed His Father in Heaven. May we begin to do that the way He did so faithfully.

And so I think this may be what my life is about. First of all, following Jesus. But if I have anything to say to our culture, may it be the Spirit's fruit in me, His power and might, and may it honor Jesus and our Father. And may it be regarding the enemy's plan to make us busy and stressed and effective and productive and entirely useless to the way of the Kingdom. I want to say "enough!" And I want the Holy Spirit to give us all courage to say "enough!" together so that through Him, we may begin to change this christian culture that has so blindly and so easily followed after the way of the dark world around us.

So when do we say "enough!"? Now. Right Now is the time.

So my prayer; today, may we say 'enough' and turn from the wisdom of this world and fall on our knees in rest and in prayer, learning to deeply and faithfully abide at the feet of our master Jesus, who is calling to us just as He did His disciples so many years ago: "come. Follow me."

To Him be all the glory and honor and power, Amen.

A New Law

2006-10-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I think I mostly live out of guilt. I feel like I'm not doing enough so I feel guilty. I feel like I should be calling more people or praying more or being more in my community. Isn't it true that there is always more people you could talk to or serve, more money you could give, more things you really could say yes to? There seems to be this constant struggle going on inside my head and my heart. A battle actually; I feel like I constantly am dealing with how I feel about myself-the internal battle and voices that are fighting for my heart I think are driving me insane...

There is this tendency it seems, throughout the whole human race, towards controlling absolutely everything in our lives by way of formulas or boxes or theories. What I mean is we seem to strive for the 7 keys to a successful and happy life, 3 ways to live within the will of God, or the 5 purposes by which to model our lives. I don't think all these things are wrong-they're just tendencies; and I actually find some hope in these tendencies in that maybe I'm not the only one struggling with the thoughts that I should be doing more or being more.

This is how it all relates: I am constantly seeking a formula with which to put to rest the guilt I feel. Like maybe if I live more holy, or if I call more people, or possibly work more hours so that I couldn't possibly be looked down upon for slacking within my job. Formulas. I could surround myself with people that constantly affirmed me and told me I was doing enough. I could learn all the practices to being more transformational and charismatic so lots of people would be drawn to me. Then for sure I'd feel less guilt and would have conquered my little internal struggle.

I think along with the guilt, and maybe this is what feeds it, I feel like everyone around me is disapproving of me and the job I do as a youth pastor. I believe lies in my head that people think I'm not doing enough, and that feeds the guilt. Which actually, by the way, doesn't even motivate me to do more, it more so paralyzes me so that I don't do anything and that which I do do is done out of obligation rather than passion and love.

This is my ongoing internal struggle.

And I'm really tired.

The Israelites struggled with this same problem of living out of formulas. First of all, God gave them a lot of really long books that were filled with laws regarding the way they were to interact with him and each other. Sacrifices of blood were required for sin, first fruits for worship. Men were unclean if they had a wet dream, or women if they had their period. Everything had a specific and detailed way to interact in relationship-only one person, once a year was allowed behind a curtain that led to a room where the glory of God dwelt. These practices seem like formulas to me. And God set them up, so they for sure served a purpose. What I mean by formulas is that 2+2=4 in the same way that a certain sacrifice + a specific sin = forgiveness. Relating to God really was kind of kept in a box, done a certain way.

Then Jesus came to earth. The Son of God, straight from His Heavenly Kingdom and throne, into our world; His world, but our home. And Jesus was a little strange in our perspective. I mean, God had required, even started this whole relationship of formulas, and Jesus came and, to the Pharisees, seemed to almost throw them all out the window. He called God His 'daddy,' and referred to Him in intimate and what must have seemed irreverant ways. Jesus performed miracles on the Sabbath; the Pharisees had defined that as work, and the Sabbath had been created for rest... no work was allowed.

Jesus said He had come to bring us life, to establish a 'New Law.' Gone was the Old Law with its rules and regulations. This new law was one defined by love. No longer was God keeping us at arms length, allowing just one man in His presence once a year. In fact, when Jesus was hanging on the cross and gave up His last breath, the curtain in the temple separating the temple courts from the Holy of Holies was ripped, torn in two, from the top to the bottom. No man could have torn the curtain in this way. God was tearing down the separation, replacing the old law with a new law.

Paul writes in Hebrews that we are now able and encouraged to, "approach the throne of Grace with confidence," and in other places says that His Holy Spirit in our hearts cries out, "Abba, Father," literally translated into "Daddy!" What once was a formulaic way of relating to God had become a very intimate relationship.

I guess what I'm seeing in all the world, but especially so in my life, is that we have either forgotten or never learned that the old law has been done away with and that a new law has taken its place. We still try to relate to God in formulas, even though He's longing for us to approach Him as a child would approach his dad. When I sin, I feel I must deserve some long-endured and drawn out punishment, so I mope about and feign sadness and remorse for far too long. I constantly believe the lie that I must earn my place in God's family, so I strive to do more or be more 'for the kingdom,' and work myself into a frenzie trying to bring myself up to par. I believe that God's approval comes at a price, and so I constantly look over my shoulder to see if I am measuring up. For certain, God's approval did come at a price, but that price was wrapped up in Jesus who bore my sin on His cross and put it to death. Then He conquered death and removed that price as far away as the earth is from the heavens.

There are no more formulas, no equations, no controls to put into place before I please God or enter into relationship with Him. Just love. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death........

And that's it, the entire story. No condemnation. No credence to the guilt that I feel. It must be a lie from satan, that continued enemy of God and of God's children, trying to tempt me into obligation and out of passion and love, attempting to paralyze me in fear so that I might not live and walk by faith. Jesus, by your blood-your life and death on the cross and your resurrection, set me free from the tyranny and lies of the evil one. Help me to believe Your Truth. To walk in Your Freedom. Help me to live set free from the old law of sin and death, and to be made new, alive and walking according to the New Law-the law of the Spirit of Life.

Honestly,

2006-10-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Gosh, this is hard. It isn't often that I come to a place of more depth, darkness, rawness and honesty in my self; a place where You help to expose with Your light, the sin and humanness that is at my core. It isn't pleasent. I'm not sure why You choose to show it to me. And I'm not sure sometimes what to do with the insight, but it sure is uncomfortable.

Sunday Jim (pastor Higgs) spoke about a passion to seek out 'the lost.' Our church is going through a lot of change right now, and being on staff, I'm confronted with the opportunity or at the very least, the responsibility, to have a hand in helping change happen within this organization. The funny thing is, I've been praying for this change and supporting this change since the first day I arrived here.

That's where this darkness is coming in. As Jim was talking on Sunday, I realized almost a fear in me of the change actually happening. I think all along I've thought that no change would be a way to refrain from committment or investment in this place. I wonder if I have a fear of some kinds of intimacy, but that is a conversation for another time. I guess what I'm saying is this: now that it appears this culture could change, I'm not completely sure I want to be a part of it.

It isn't that I don't want the church to succeed or be something more in the Kingdom than it is now, its more that I'm realizing, because of the light You shed on my heart, a lack of passion and concern and love at the core of my heart. Uggh. When I get completely honest and vulnerable, I mean really down right raw and ugly, I have to say that I don't feel a real investment or concern for people and community...

Like the youth culture. I am a 'youth pastor.' Now listen well; I love ver much the kids I know and hang out with. I love them and my friendships with them and I long for their heart to grow in intimacy and love for Jesus. And I believe there is a crisis in the youth culture today. But ultimately, when I stand naked and exposed before my King, I have to admit that I'm okay with that crisis and don't feel personally burdened to do anything about it. And its the same thing within my church. I think the culture needs to change, and as long as I'm hired to work there, I'll have my hand in the process; I'll be faithful to my job. But I guess I'm realizing with sadness, that unlike Pastor Jim Higgs, I have to say before my God that I do not have a heart or a passion for 'the lost.' I know that sounds horrible. It probably is. But I'm just being exposed and honest and ugly.

I'm not sure where to go with that, or what to do, or what even to say next. I have a desire to have a passion for the lost. I want a heart like Christ. I can say that much. Peter Hiett, the pastor at Lookout Mtn. Church in Colorado, used to say before communion each week, "this is Jesus' blood and body, spilled and broken for you. So if you want Jesus, come to the table." As I sat in church on Sunday and prepared my heart for communion, I guess that was the one thing I could say.

I want you Jesus.

I'm realizing a new depth to my carnal nature. My selfishness knows no bounds. Honestly, I can say there is nothing separating me from the 'worst' of sinners in all the world, in all of history. But the love of You my Savior knows no bounds either. You left one world for this, a place of light, to enter darkness. And You love me. You want me.

Derek Webb sings a song called "I Repent." On his House Show record, he takes the opportunity to share, and one thing he says is something like this: "the best thing that could happen to any of us is for all of our sins to be shown up on big screens, shown for all to see. I really believe that. If right now all my sins were brought out into the light and laid bare...." Confession. To me there is something terrifying about all of my deep, dark sins being brought out into the light, having others see the things I think and say and do. But now I'm beginning to believe and agree with what Derek said as true. To be stripped bare and have everything exposed, with nothing left to hide.

I guess this season is my confession. Like I said before, it isn't often that I'm exposed quite like this, that I clearly see just how deep and dark my heart is. Jesus, I need Your mercy. "Hessed" mercy. Your love, Your forgiveness, Mercy.

I'm not sure what more to say, what to do or where to go from here. I'm a man who speaks spiritually and has all the right things to say. I speak in ways that make me look good to others. But it isn't true. Certainly not without Your Spirit, and even then I'm wondering what good I truly long for.

Finally here is the kicker. All the above said, what if truly what I'm speaking of is a loss of my 'self,' a loss of finding satisfaction in the things I do or succeed in or pursue after. But my fruit should show whose I am. And I see fruit sometimes, and not so much at other times. And maybe all this is because I'm human, and definitely some of it is because of the depth of my depravit, which certainly cannot be argued with. So here I am. Honestly.

Summer Update

2006-09-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, its official:
at this blog thing... I pretty much suck. Seriously, trying to find time to stay up on this is pretty tough, but alas, I have found time now, so I'll make the most of this moment.

This will be brief, but hopefully at some point I can add some pics to help show what I'm describing. This post is my brief attempt at updating you all on the busy and wonderful summer that Beth and I had in our first summer of youth work... so here goes!

Beth's Parents Visit:
It was the very beginning of June when Steve and Joan Bruehl came out to the Northwest to visit. It was an awesome time-a quick trip, but we really enjoyed having them here with us. My highlight was heading by ferry to Friday Harbor on San Juan Island. It was typical of a northwest day; rainy and chilly. Awesome though.
Colorado Trip - Cross Bearing Adventures:
A week after the Bruehl's left, Beth and I headed to Colorado to visit my family... and to work for Kent at CrossBearingAdventures. I just can't get away from that place. Something always brings me back. No real highlights to speak of, though we made a couple of new really good friends that I haven't talked to since that week-kinda keep in touch as well as I write in this blog!

Friction - YD Adventures:
We flew home from Colorado on July 4th, and on the 11th we took a group of nine to the Leavenworth area, Icicle Canyon and went on a sweet outdoor climbing trip with YD Adventures. It was pretty amazing to be on the other side of an outdoor adventure trip. Used to being the facilitator and all that to being the youth pastor getting to connect with students and use the trip to build on relationships-I'd always hoped to experience that, and YD did such an excellent job of guiding us through experiences and processing our learning. I will definitely be taking kids on that trip each summer.
5 gals, 4 guys, each in seperate trips, and we ended with a sweet rafting trip down the something or other river... I can't really remember right now. Oh well.

Creation Fest '06:
No less than 2 weeks after Friction the Youth Network (a conglameration of youth workers in Anacortes... I'll definitely write more about our collaboration in the future) took over 80 students to Creation Fest at the Gorge in central Washinton. Four days of camping and music and swimming in rivers to try to stay cool. It was good and the strength of the trip was being able to spend some real quality time with students that I hadn't really connected with in the past.
Wild Horse Canyon - Young Life (Wyldlife):
The middle of August was our Wyldlife (middle school outreach of YoungLife) trip to camp-Wild Horse Canyon in eastern Oregon. Talk about hot! But this really wasn't camping as I think of it. I mean, this place was a frickin' resort. Sweet, huge swimming pool, a half-mile zipline into a lake, a full gym and rock climbing wall, great music and awesome food! It was fun. Again, the strength is the down time you get with students. A little too much entertainment and bikinis for my taste, however, the conversations we were able to have were awesome and needed.

Kayaking with Jay and Nate:
If I had more time, I'd write a book regarding this trip. Jay and Merrell flew out to visit family, and last December, Nate and Dayspring moved out to Seattle to take ownership of a Great Harvest Bread Co. in the university district. Anyways, Jay and Nate and I found time to get away for a couple of days. We undertook a kayak trip out and around Cypress Island across the channel from Fidalgo Island and the town of Anacortes. (That's where I live. Yes, I live on an island, and I live in the midst of the San Juan Islands. It is beautiful here and if you haven't been here, and even if you have, you ought to come visit us for a while. There's a lot to see and do.)
Well, we bit off a little more than maybe we could chew, in my opinion, but luckily, God was with us in the midst of 4 foot waves that were crashing into and submerging my kayak and the wind and rip current that was pushing us any direction but the one in which we wanted to go. I think I swore a bit and prayed, "oh God!" over and over for a half hour or so, but we ended up on dry land eventually. Not the right dry land, but a short 3 mile walk and a ferry ride and a little hitch hiking got us back Nate's sweet Tacoma and my keys and my warm apartment. Thank you Jesus for the miracle you gave us that day.

And that about wraps up my summer. If you haven't heard from me, these trips would be why, and now I think life is beginning to slow down a tiny bit. Or should be in the next couple of months, and if not, for sure by next summer. Or something anyways.

September has seen the addition of a new car and a move into a new house, with a new 'housemate,' Chris Crane, a good friend of ours. If you think that's weird, don't worry. He lives upstairs, we'll be moving downstairs once the basement is finished, rent is WAY cheaper, and the house is sweet. You should come see it.

That's it: my official summer update. Hopefully this blog will be filled with the deep learnings of my sould in the future, but for an early blog entry, I think this is pretty good. Thanks for reading it and I will be back to post more sometime in the near or distant future!

I guess I'll give this a try...

2006-09-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Well isn't life interesting? I have resisted for so long the opportunities to expand in knowledge and skill in the technology and computer arenas. I'm not entirely sure why, though I think it probably has something to do with time constraints in my day and possibly an exhaustion of learning anything new-since it seems that learning and I are continuing to walk hand in hand. What I mean is that since I usually end up learning through mistakes and life lessons, sometimes I just want to take a break from it all and rest my weary mind and heart.

I'd like to say that the reason I haven't gotten into learning about new waves in technology (like MySpace, blogging, html, web design, or how to turn on a computer in the first place), is because of some deep honor and belief that life is better left simple and raw, untainted from the effects of the virtual and better lived in the world of face to face. I'm not sure that is so much the case as the reality that I am simply and always, at least two years behind the status quo and up-to-datedness of the world around me. I.E. my friends all had jean jackets in 5th grade. I got my first jacket in 7th, and everyone looked at me weird because they'd been out of style for so long. It just took me that long to realize that they were pretty cool back in the beginning. I guess the final explanation for my resistance to all this culture stuff is that I'm pretty slow, and it does take me a long time to learn things that are outside of my natural affinities. I can start up a conversation or interact with just about anybody, but put me in front of a computer and I become illiterate, distracted, and interested in almost anything other than that which is supposed to be taking my time and focus.

And so it is with these initial thoughts that I timidly begin putting my toe into the waters of technology and this new culture and generation of communication. Be patient with me as I post and learn. But know that if you are reading these thougths, you most likely are one who holds a very dear place in my heart.

I do owe some thanks to people for motivating me to the point of actually testing the waters. It started with a friend, Dave Stalsbroten who set me up with the account and entered my very first post: king kong. You'd have had to have been there to understand, but seriously, Dave, Nate and I laughed very hard and very long in the corner table at Gere-a-Delis; the best sandwhich shop in the town of Anacortes, WA. (Plus they have free wireless internet-which is one area of technology I really do love... mainly so I can keep up with my fantasy football teams!)
Simply Youth Ministry out of Saddleback Church is another reason I am beginning a journey down this road. I listen to their podcasts (another tech piece i've learned over time) each week and many of their peeps enjoy the art of blogging. They faithfully preach that everyone should blog, so to them I owe a special thanks.
And finally, and mostly, and must thank my GOOD FRIEND Eric Langais. I just got off of gmail chat with him and he shared his blog site with me. Just seeing pictures of him with a hangover and an IV pumping into his arm was motivation enough. Eric-thankyou and I do hope we can hang out very soon, considering the fact that we live only 82 miles apart. (or something like that anyways).

Thanks for sticking with me this long, all of my friends, know that I love you. And it is with that thougth that I sign off and truly undertake the beginning of submerging not just my toe, but my leg as well, into these waters of the blogging community!

king kong

2005-12-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

So I asked Nate if he wanted to see "King Kong" tonight.
And he thought I was trying to tell some sort of perverted joke.
Well, I wasn't. But we all laughed a lot.